Beth’s Experience
What phrase do you use most often to describe how your loved one died?
The phrase I use most often to describe how I lost my twin aunties when people ask is probably that ‘they took their own lives’ or that they ‘died by suicide’.
2. Did you struggle with that language?
At first I did struggle with how best to describe how they both died, but I think it gets a lot easier as time goes on. I never expected it to be something I would need to talk about and as soon as it happened I suddenly had to learn how to talk about it with family/friends, those who knew my loved ones, doctors, counsellors and even strangers. Finding the language that was comfortable for me made this a lot easier to do.
3. How do you find having conversations about the person you’ve lost?
A lot of the time having conversations about the people I’ve lost is a positive experience, when I see somewhere they both used to go or hear a song they both used to love it makes me want to talk about them and think of the happy memories we had. However, it can be difficult to talk about them as it’s hard to forget how different things could be if they were both still here. This makes me worry about bringing it up around family in case it upsets them and makes it hard to respond when people who knew my loved ones see me in public and want to talk about them.
4. How do you find having conversations about your grief and what you’re going through?
It’s incredibly difficult to talk about my grief, as more time passes I feel like there’s a pressure to come to terms with it fully like is maybe the case with other forms of bereavement. I feel being bereaved by suicide is very different in a lot of ways and grief can be more complicated. As I was only 18 and in my first year of university when I lost my first loved one to suicide, I was worried about what my friends might think and was scared that I’d lose them because suicide is such a taboo subject that not many people feel comfortable talking about.
5. What do you think could make these conversations easier?
I think having pointers or conversation starters accessible for bereaved families to access if they wish to talk about their loss but are maybe struggling too would be helpful. Also, giving bereaved individuals the opportunity to practice how to talk to each other, or respond if they get unexpected questions about their loved one.
Raising awareness of suicide bereavement and how to talk about it might make conversations easier. From personal experience hearing people in the workplace, or on TV make light of suicide, without knowing there is someone around them directly affected by it and knows how devastating it can be, makes you less likely to want to talk about it.
6. Do you have tips for others in this situation?
Find the language you feel comfortable using, it’s okay for people to want to talk about losing a loved one in different ways.
If you feel like having conversations about it would help, try to find at least one person you feel happy talking to about it to, although it’s hard it’s better than keeping it all bottled up.
7. Was there one thing you wish people had said or asked you after your bereavement?
I think the one thing I wish people had said after the bereavement was the available services/resources that are available if someone bereaved by suicide wants someone to talk to, especially just after the loss. I found I had to dig for all the information myself and often struggled to find which services are available for people bereaved by suicide.