Submission 210

Dear S,

Next Sunday would have been our 6th wedding anniversary. It's strange to think back on our story now - things happened in such a whirlwind at the start, and now I've been grieving you for longer than we had been married.

There's been a lot of change since you've gone. I've moved countries. I've changed jobs. I've picked up new hobbies. And of course, our son - he recently started a new school. He loves ice cream and pretzels and chicken nuggets. He can name more car brands than me. He is starting to understand the concept of death, and he asks about you. I do my best to answer.

The grief of losing you has lost its sharpness, but every once in a while, when something happens which reminds me of you unexpectedly, that sudden shock can still take my breath away. The anger has faded too, but sometimes, when I've had a bad day, or if I'm feeling overwhelmed, it will surge up again. I've gotten better at controlling it and at understanding my feelings. Three years of therapy helped.

I've still got questions, but I don't look for answers the same way I did in that first year. I've come to understand that the answers wouldn't change anything. I've learned moving on takes both time and work, and it's taken a lot of work to get to where I am now.

I do still miss you. I miss the you who was at peace, who laughed without a care in the world, who let his guard down. I didn't see a lot of that person towards the end, and that broke my heart too.

I truly hope that you are now at peace.