Submission 30
Ben,
485 days ago you left us. I never understood what people meant by the five stages of grief until you passed. I've been through all the stages but i don't think i've quite made it to stage five just yet. 'Acceptance'.
Accepting that you're gone forever isn't an easy thing and it feels to me that if i do accept it, then the stages of grief are over and it will feel to me like i've just moved on. I'm not ready to let you go. People are so sorry you're gone until i mention you were my step dad, but you were my dad from when i was 3! All i remember is you! When people would ask me who my dad is, your face would flash in my mind.
You did break my heart when you left mom for another woman, even though it felt like i hated you, honestly i just felt betrayed and didn't want to lose my dad. Aside from your mistake, you were one of the greatest men i've ever known. You tried so many things in your life that i find comfort in knowing you tried alot more than the average 36 year old man. You had hobbies ranging from building models to jetskiing, from painting to using copper wire to make bonsai's. You never really travelled far but i know you saw your fair share of beautiful beaches and meadows. You knew love, yes maybe with many different women haha. You knew what it was to be a dad to me and jake. You got married to mom and you owned your own place, had your own dog and so much more!
Somedays when i'm struggling and i miss you. I think of all the things you didn't get to do. When i went to glasgow last june i cried alot, thinking that you'll never get to see the gorgeous beach at ardrossan or the strange pubs in glasgow. You'll also never see me and jake grow up. I know in recent years i wasn't really your daughter anymore but i know you cared for me. Jake being your son is of course different. It hurts me deeply you wont be here to meet his first girlfriend/boyfriend, you won't see him mess up at his first shave of this awful moustache he has right now, you won't see him go to his prom or see him off to Uni, meet your future grandchildren etc.
I'm also hurt you won't be here to walk me down the aisle when i get married. I would have loved it if you could have.
Writing a letter to you is strange. When all i want is to hear your voice and slap you! Then give you the biggest hug and not let go. If only we had known how much pain you were in. The images my mind created of you that night you left torment me. I see you when i close my eyes. That sounds quite cliche but i suppose it just shows you don't know its true until you experience it.
I'm going to wrap this letter up as I'm sure if you could read this you'd say i'm rambling on and you want to leave haha.
I don't know if heaven is real, but if it is...I know you're there. Forever annoying your ancestors lol.
I love you Benji,
Ellessia