Andrew, my best friend and partner, died by suicide 8 weeks ago. It’s still such early days but this grief is different to what I experienced after my mum died. Some things are similar….but this is all encompassing.

I think most people understand the emotional side to grief, but I think the physical manifestations of grief are not so widely understood.

For me, grief shows up all over my body. Currently, I have at least six, incredibly painful and large mouth ulcers. They are so sore that eating and drinking are a struggle. I feel the immense tension in my jaw and try and release it before I go to sleep….which doesn’t always work! I am definitely clenching my jaw at night, which is causing ridges on the side of my tongue.

If I begin to think of details of Andrew’s death, I begin to shake. My whole body shaking and I can’t control it. At his funeral, I couldn’t stop my leg shaking and my friend put her hand on me to try and help but it didn’t. Standing up to do a reading, again, caused my whole body to shake…but I got through it. I don’t know how.

Grief is exhausting. If I could hide under my duvet and sleep for hours and hours I would. But I can’t. The world still carries on and I still have to be a mum, a friend, a teacher and a daughter. Some days are harder than others; where I can barely keep my eyes open as I’m walking down the street.

The numbness I have experienced has been unreal! I feel like I disassociate and my body walks along, whilst my mind is elsewhere. In those early, early days, my voice was so monotone and I described what happened with no feeling or emotion. It’s very strange to listen back to voice notes I had sent…it doesn’t sound like me! I still sometimes enter that place again and sound so emotionless and monotone. But it’s the huge overwhelm I feel inside that prevents me from sounding normal. It’s like a strange protective measure my brain does...!

I have had extremely tense shoulders and neck. A very kind school mum friend asked if I wanted to be her guinea pig for her massage course (I obviously agreed!) and she gave me four free massages. They helped release so much tension in my shoulder blade – I hadn’t realised how much I was hunched up and how much grief I held in my body. She could feel heat in my chest and under my ribs. She proceeded to explain that they are places where our bodies hold stress and grief. One of the areas is sometimes called The Well of Tears...where we hold all our unspent tears.

In the first couple of weeks after Andrew died, I could barely eat. I had no appetite and lost half a stone. I made myself eat and drink water and herbal teas. But I lost any interest in it. My friends would always check on me though and ensure that I was eating. I’m now eating much more now (need to put down the biscuits really...!) and am back to enjoying food and cooking.

It’s only been a couple of months and some physical aspects of grief are improving. The exhaustion is still very much prominent, as are the aches and tension in my back and neck. I’ve been listening to podcasts and trying out breathing techniques....so hopefully I will begin to see an improvement soon.

Losing my person is so hard. Andrew is all I think about...day and night. I miss him more than I can begin to express. I know the physical side of grief will begin to improve soon...but even that, I don’t entirely want to lose. It’s like, if I begin to feel better, then I will be moving on without him. But I need to. My body needs to heal and my mind will follow ❤️

Laura xx