Losing My Little Brother

I lost my little brother Harrison to suicide in December 2020. He was an intelligent, charismatic, passionate, funny, and loving man, and every time I remember he’s gone it still makes my heart physically hurt. I still remember receiving the phone call to say he had passed away and blur of the moments that followed, calling my mum, throwing random items in my bag, texting friends, and sobbing on a train back home from London. The days that followed were a whirlwind, still in the height of the pandemic the house was never quiet with those who came to share stories, photos, and to cry and laugh with us, all whilst wearing masks and trying to keep a distance. I don’t think it truly hit us until after the funeral what had happened this is what life was going to be like, a huge void that Harrison once filled.

Organising the funeral was even more hell than hell. We were limited to 30 people and couldn’t have a wake to celebrate the amazing man he was, how the hell do you even choose 30 people when he was so popular and knew hundreds of people? We managed to have a wake on what would’ve been his 24th Birthday but even that had to be limited with numbers. Learning about the government throwing their parties whilst Harrison’s own friends couldn’t attend his funeral just felt like an additional punch in the stomach. I know that Harrison would’ve been absolutely raging at that and it still angers me to this day.

Harrison was living in Manchester at the time which was in constant lockdown. He was feeling lonely and isolated but had decided he was going to come home for Christmas. He was training to be a maths teacher and was stressed that he wouldn’t meet the hours requirement with having to regularly self-isolate. We knew that Harrison struggled with his mental health, but we never realised quite how bad it was. He was such an advocate for people to talk about their mental health but would brush it off as ‘things will get better’ for himself. He thought so much about others and was always the one cheering up others by cracking jokes or doing something thoughtful. Just before he passed away, he sent me a cheese plant in the post to cheer me up as I was newly single. Even the day he passed away he had ordered me air pods for Christmas, even though he couldn’t afford them, he wanted to give me something nice.

Since losing Harrison we have had teeniest of silver linings (which doesn’t make up for Harrison at all, but we must hold onto something). My mum and I have adopted Harrison’s friends as ours, he would hate it, but we wouldn’t have got through the past 2.5 years without them. One of his best friends is even my new boyfriend which is just so great having someone who understands. We’ve also managed to raise £31,000 for various suicide prevention charities by holding a charity football match and cycling 225 miles from Manchester to the pub he worked at back home. I’ve also started a campaign called Positive Changes in Placement which aims to strengthen suicide prevention strategies for placement students at university. The campaign has gotten so big I’ve been on telly, radio, been to Downing Street and created a published framework. I know that Harrison would be calling me a massive attention seeker, but I know he would be happy that something is being done to prevent other people feeling as he did.

Knowing that I have to live the rest of my life without Harrison hurts just as much every day. They say that your life grows around your grief but I’m yet to see that happen. As friends start getting engaged and having babies, although I’m happy for them I also feel so sad that these are all things that Harrison won’t be able to do and will miss out on. He would’ve made the best husband, dad, and uncle. He was supposed to be the fun uncle to my kids and walk me down the aisle when I get married. But I know that Harrison wouldn’t want my mum or I’s life stop so we must keep going for him. It’s really hard to keep going every day and see the world continue without him, but I know that he is always with me.

’d never given it much thought what happens to people after they pass away, but I know that Harrison is always with us. He loves to play tricks on us, hide items which then turn up in the most bizarre places and gets the cats to do naughty things like poo on my pillow on Christmas day. We also see robins in the oddest places, like in our cousin’s house! We’ve also taken Harrison all over the world and have scattered his ashes in places he loved or never got to visit but would’ve one day.

I would do absolutely anything to have my brother back. Anything to hear his proper belly laugh, have a big bear hug and have a chat about something silly. I wish I could’ve told him that it will get better, that he won’t feel so isolated and that we will do anything to make him feel a little more normal. But until the day I see him again I have to keep going and live the life that he would’ve wanted me to. He truly was the best little brother and I am so grateful for the years we had together.

I love you and will miss you forever Snoop x

Written by Izzy De George