Submission 220

Dad,

I’ve been questioning myself on what this letter means. Unlike most of the letters I’ve read so far I didn’t really get the chance to know you. Maybe that’s a blessing, although it never truly felt like that was the case.

I can’t speak on who you were but I can tell you a little about me and the world you left behind. I’m 24 now, still figuring it all out and navigating my feelings. I fear I inherited your brain as I struggle to live my life the way everyone else is managing to, much like you did. I have the most wonderful partner and a small dog who both help pick up the pieces on those days where I just can’t do it on my own. Those days come more often than not as I get older, I worry that I will become you entirely and I can’t quite cope with that possible eventuality. You’ll be pleased to hear that Coldplay are very much still around, I heard you used to love them and say that you knew they’d be big someday and I suppose you were right. I can’t stand to listen to their music as it makes me feel the empty part of my heart where I think your love should sit. I’m not in contact with your family but I believe they’re all doing alright, there’s a lot of unanswered questions that I’m not quite ready for. You’ll also be pleased to hear that I’m a bit of nerd, I heard I got that from you as you loved to play computer games in your spare time (Doctor Who came back and I know you’d have loved Eccleston’s Doctor the most). I can’t quite believe you died before social media took off as I know you’d have loved finding new friends online, I often think that may well have saved you.

Growing up without a dad has been beyond difficult, I’m a complete wuss and I’m totally useless with a tool box. Your passing also brought on a whole host of mental health problems from such a young age that I’ve never quite known what it’s like to feel “normal”.

I understand that you weren’t a good man, you made a lot of bad decisions and hurt so many people and that truly breaks my heart. I long to be one of those people who has fond memories of their father but all I have is sadness, grief and disappointment.

I’m sorry that life got too much for you, if you’d have given me the chance to get a bit older I could’ve helped you. I’m sorry that you died alone. I’m sorry that you felt there was no other way. I’m sorry I wasn’t enough of a reason to stay.

If there really is this big fancy afterlife that everyone keeps going on about then I guess I’ll see you there and ask some of my questions, a long time from now.

I hope you found your peace, I think you needed it