Joe’s story shared by Jazz

I want to start this off by saying it is absolutely okay and valid to not feel or be 100% all of the time. The brain is so incredibly complex and it is impossible to understand all of our thoughts and feelings all of the time. Suicide is something that you cannot process entirely. Losing someone in this way is utterly heart-wrenching, incomprehensible and life changing. You have to become comfortable in the uncomfortable knowing that this journey is full of unanswered questions and ‘what ifs’, desperately hoping that one day you will have just a tiny bit more of an understanding as to why this happened.

Joe was 18 years old when he took his life. He was independent, strong, honest, funny and had the BEST taste in music. He was a good listener, always so truthful with his feelings towards me and fiercely protective of me. We met in school, I can still remember the first time I saw him and my heart skipping a beat every single time he even looked in my direction. I can still see his smile and hear his laugh. I would never have been brave enough to initiate any conversations with him if he did not make the first move, he always claimed to be shy but I never initially saw the real him until we got into a relationship. Joe would be up and down with his emotions when we’d talk in the evenings after school, he would talk about not fitting in, being failed by the education system and he would struggle to talk about the future. The relationship we had could be difficult, we both recognised we were not always good for each other and like most teenage relationships there were arguments that were caused by rumours or behaviours of others. Joe was the type of person to stand up for people, fight injustice and be a voice for those who could not always get their voice heard. I often wonder what he would make of this world and think about how life might be for him now if he could have stayed?

I guess that is something I have had to come terms with, knowing that this world was not right for him and that perhaps if he had given me an opportunity to convince him to stay, it may not have been enough and I would feel perhaps more responsible than I do now. Except I should not feel responsible, again, this is something I have read about several times which is survivor's guilt. Feeling guilty about living, feeling this gut-wrenching hurt that you could have saved someone’s life but did not have an opportunity to do so. I feel like I have always thought, did I miss something? Could I have done something? The responsibility and guilt that you feel can consume your whole day if you allow it to. It has a place, but I will not allow it to do so and I will tell you why. I am absolutely,

whole-heartedly dedicated to my job and career in supporting young people in the hope that they open up, reach out and ultimately choose to stay. I have spent the past 6 years working with young people to support them with suicidal ideation/thoughts, mental health, exploitation, anxiety, low mood, substance misuse, anger management, healthy relationships, consent, prevent, online safety and so many other issues that our young people face within society. I work daily with young people searching for reasons to stay and safety planning with them in the hope that they will. Because of Joe I will continue to do this. I will fight the stigma against mental health and suicide and will always be passionate in helping people, whatever their background to seek the support, advice and help that they so desperately need, as another life is one too many. I strongly believe that Joe would have helped so many people if he was still here, like he did when he was alive which is why it is so incredibly important to me to keep going.

To anyone out there struggling… please do not ever feel like you do not matter or that you cannot make tomorrow because no matter what, no matter how much you think someone would not help you or listen, there are people out there who are ready to listen.. If you ask them I promise you they would do all they could to save you. I cannot describe the pain, the ache or hurt that you feel knowing someone has gone from their own choice or actions.

Right now, suicide is the most common cause of death for those under 24 and Joe was 18 years old, forever 18 years old.

On my most difficult days, I play this one song that helps me get through it. I thought I would share it in case it brings just one person some comfort like it does for me.