Lauren Lived Experience

To my younger self, 

I held her hand as she sobbed, tears flowing. I stroked her face, wiping her hair away as she buried her face into her hands. I rubbed her back as she clung so tightly to her legs, rocking back and forth, wishing it all away. Then I whispered in her ear, that one day, I wasn’t sure when, I wasn’t sure how but one day I promised she was going to feel at peace. I knew I was right to tell her so and to make a promise so big because she was me, I was her. I have lived every day since, what I would give to go back, hold that young girl and promise her that one day she would see the beautiful things in the world again, the sunshine, the rainbows, the flowers, things would be ok, not the same, never the same, but she would be ok. 

A 19 year old girl, being told her Mom had lost her life to suicide. A word that had never even entered her world or her mind before, suddenly felt like it was the only word that described her life. The girl whose Mom died by suicide. Sounds so brutal and dark, yet it was a harsh reality and one she had only just entered. The painful days, weeks and months that followed were often unbearable. Her whole world had turned upside down, the life she had planned for herself was thrown into utter chaos, living each day in desperation for something to click and make it all disappear, hoping it was the world's worst bad dream. 

Fast forward, 12 years later. You are a Mom to two beautiful boys, who have taught you so so much about love and life. They get you through the darker days. Although these are only occasional now, you are so strong and have learnt the best ways to cope when the overwhelming feeling of grief comes flowing back. You take a walk, find something simple to make you smile or sit with a cup of tea and your thoughts for a while, you have learnt that it is more than ok to have these feelings and that they won’t last forever. At the time of a traumatic experience when you loose complete control, it feels like your world has stopped and it will never start again. Take each day as it comes, one step at a time and you will slowly find your way to your new normal, a normal without them but always remembering them. 

To anyone who is bereaved by a loved one taking their own life, life is never going to be the same, you will miss them for the rest of your days, but you will be able to find joy and happiness again, not all the time, but one thing I can promise is you will see the sun shine again, amongst the rain, it will make rainbows and be bright again. Your loved one will walk beside you every day, talk to them in silence but don’t forget to say their name. We may never be able to understand what happened and why life for them went the way it did, but one thing we do know is that they can live safely forever in our hearts. 

To my Mom, 

I see you in the stars, I feel you in the world, I’ll be sad forever that you felt you had to go. I hear you in my laughter, I’ll never forget your smile, even though I haven’t seen you in quite a while. 

If I could go back I would tell you how much I loved you, although I’m not even sure it would change what you were going through. I would tell you it’s ok, that I understand, I know you're sorry that it all ended this way and I’ll hold on tight to your hand. Things have not been the same since that day, however I know that you’re never far away. 

Lots of love x