Kevin Corrigan’s shared experience

Twenty two years ago I lost my partner to suicide. She was 29. I remember every step of the walk home, the unlocked door, the 999 call, the spare cigarettes I rediscovered having previously given up. Trauma memories. The world stopped and I’d forgotten how to sleep. “What did you expect after what you’ve been through?” said Dr Baggley, my psychiatrist urging me to “build back better” when pandemics back then were found in history books. He was right. Sleeping was a luxury while there was a note to retrieve, a coroner to see, a death certificate to collect. 

As anyone who has lost someone will know, the sorrow doesn’t ever go but stuff builds up around it over time so that it settles and beats like another heart but without the palpitations. I’m quite advanced in my journey but all grief is not the same. We as individuals are not the same. Each of us has the capacity to bear a burden in different ways and what I have learned from my experience is that perverse though it may sound, I am better for it. 

I was once asked at an interview what my greatest challenge was and how did I cope. I think I mentioned the time when I turned up for a pitch and forgot the deck. Riveting. But what I really wanted to say was burying my girlfriend. The truth is, it would have told them more about me and how I coped with adversity more than anything. But suicide retains its stigma and these are not easy conversations to have. 

Today's zeitgeist is more willing than ever to welcome lived experience which is great. New media forums allow us to shed inhibitions and find common ground and mutual support. All good. 

But some things remain immutable. Loss, doubt, worry and maybe tragedy. In my experience there are no short-cuts. Bereavement is a journey and I am very lucky to have survived and thrived, thanks to the many conversations I have had along the way, to guide me and stop me crashing. But to all those who haven't been lucky, who struggle, I hope you find the resources offered and signposted by Suicide&Co useful, you have my unwavering love and respect. Keep on keeping on.