Our alphabet highlights a list of words that are important to talk about & understand in relation to suicide-related grief.

These conversation foundations will help you to navigate difficult conversations, and understand the emotions associated with this type of grief at every stage.

 
 

  • Feeling anger and hostility towards the person that died by suicide, the world around you or the situation on a whole is a very natural human response to hurt, sadness or shock. Anger can feel all-consuming when you’re in a rage or heavy when it's a persistent unresolved emotion we carry for a long period of time. All emotions and reactions are valid, acknowledging difficult emotions to yourself and the people around you can help you process them.

  • Goodbyes are hard. Permanent goodbyes in grief are even harder! When we lose someone to suicide it’s very easy to feel like we’ve been left behind and that it’s a feeling that you should sit with. Feeling like you were abandoned by a trusted figure in your life can impact on other aspects of your life if you allow it to. Remember that this is an isolated situation and they didn’t leave you behind, they were trying to leave the pain that they were experiencing which was not your fault.

  • Events happen which are out of our control, we can only be held accountable for our own actions, not the actions of others. Death is final and accepting that you have lost someone to suicide is very important when finding a way forward. Acceptance should always be on your own terms, don’t feel pressure to accept the realities of your loss too soon.

  • Anxiety is a word which is casually used a lot in modern society, recognising that there is a difference between clinically diagnosed anxiety and feeling anxious is really important. A sudden loss or trauma can cause anxiety or feelings of anxiousness as you navigate your grief. Listening to how you feel and openly labelling how you feel in conversations can help others understand your feelings and your behaviour. There are some amazing tools to help if you’re feeling anxious that you can find on our Help Hub.

 
 

  • Life is busy and grief is exhausting. Stop and breathe, you deserve it. You are absolutely allowed to press pause and breathe. It can sometimes feel like we’re all running around trying to do too much; hold down a job, be a good friend, be a good parent, be a considerate partner AND process grief on top of all of that. It’s important to take time to stop and breathe.

  • All bereavement is hard to navigate, death is a subject that we are not conditioned to talk about at length. The irony is that it is the one experience that all of us as human beings will experience at some point - it should connect us and we should be able to celebrate the fact that no matter our background or experiences we all have the power and understanding to support one another through this.

  • Bi-Polar Disorder is a mental health condition that causes extreme mood swings that can sometimes be part of someone who died by suicide’s story. A disorder like this can be challenging to understand but if your loved one was diagnosed with a specific mental condition or illness it can be a useful process to research and find out about that so that you can build a better understanding and then compassion towards the term and even your loved one.

 
 

  • Is there any truer saying than ‘a problem shared is a problem halved’, whatever life throws at us, it feels a bit easier to cope with when we’re not alone. Find your company and keep them close, whether that's old friends, new friends, family, colleagues or an online community. Suicide loss can be isolating, finding company that understands what you’re going through is a comfort. If you’re reading this and want your friends and family to know how to support your loss more, direct them to this conversation guide or send them links to your favourite lived experience story.

  • First things first, let's do some myth busting - counselling or therapy is not just for people with poor mental health. Counselling is all about talking openly, in a safe space to understand ourselves more. It can be a very useful process to go through after suicide loss which is why we built our service. Counselling can also be inaccessible because of the cost so we wanted to be able to provide people that level of support through the charity. It won’t be for everyone and for those that it is, it’s only part of the journey, but talking to a professional about all your thoughts and feelings can be a great way to process your grief.

  • It takes courage to share your story with the world and by doing so we promise that you will hear a similar story, you’re not going through this alone. Be brave enough to speak about your suicide loss and remember the huge courage it takes to continue after heartbreak and trauma. We are so proud of you and you should congratulate yourself every day for carrying your grief and living your story.

  • Compassion literally means ‘suffer with’, suffering is a word that goes hand in hand with suicide and compassion must stand next to suffering. The person who has died by suicide was likely to be suffering with their mental health, the people who are left behind are suffering their loss. Having compassion for the person you have lost and the pain that they endured can help you to find a way to move forward with your grief. Have compassion for yourself too, your feelings of suffering are valid.

  • The fact you’re reading this blog should be proof enough that you are not alone and that there is a community that understands what you are experiencing. 34,176 people are directly bereaved by suicide in England & Wales every year and there is a growing community who are ready to share their stories. Here are some of our favourite online communities for you to explore.

  • Conversation is so important that we’ve made a full guide on it! The words we use, the tone we adopt and the environments in which we deliver them really matter. Whether you’ve been bereaved by suicide or are supporting someone who has been bereaved, please open the conversation. Practice makes perfect and if we keep trying to have these conversations we will get better at supporting each other.

  • Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is a type of talking therapy that is used by counsellors and psychotherapists in certain situations. It is a goal orientated way of working where you work with your therapist to take actions and literally change behaviours. A key exercise within it is learning to catch and identify your own thoughts, which sounds simple but is something that most of us don’t do naturally. There is no specific research into the effect of CBT for suicide bereavement, but it’s spoken about that CBT would not be appropriate for the first part of processing grief but could be relevant later. But as we always say, everyone's journey is unique.

 
 

  • Death is final. Processing that you won’t see someone ever again is difficult and can take a long time. It's important to remember that the end of someone else's life does not need to define the rest of your life.

  • Losing someone to suicide can feel like your entire world is turning upside down. The shock, sadness, anger and multitude of other emotions can also be described as devastation. Whatever word feels comfortable for you to use is the right word. But remember this acute feeling will pass as you put your life back together again.

  • Similar to anxiety, there is a difference between diagnosed depression and then feelings of depression or being depressed. This is one of the terms that has become destigmatised and is now used a lot for when people are talking about their own mental health. Going through the hardest parts of grief can feel very similar to depression so it’s perfectly normal to use this term, but if you’re worried about your mental health it’s worth going to your GP to check in and see what they suggest.

 
 

  • Having empathy for one and other is the foundation of living in an accepting and loving society, but it’s something that sometimes needs to be consciously worked on. Often when someone goes through a trauma like suicide loss they build a level of empathy for others as they can resonate when someone is going through something tough. But on the other side it can be hard to have empathy if you can’t understand that person’s situation. Ultimately empathy just means showing compassion and no judgement towards a person, which we can all do if we try.

  • There are lots of part to grief which can feel embarrassing; from crying in front of others to media coverage or with suicide even the concept of suicide itself. Firstly don’t blame yourself for feeling embarrassed, again you’re entitled to any of your feelings, but do know that you have nothing to be embarrassed about. Often when we feel embarrassed it’s because we’re worried what others will think and often they’re not thinking what we think, so there is nothing to worry about!

 
 

  • The word fragile when it comes to human emotions can conjure up images of weakness, but we don’t think that’s right! Letting someone know that you’re feeling fragile can help them support you. Or just identifying that within yourself could mean that you decide to enact more self-care or a duvet day instead of powering forward. Think about yourself like a fragile package you’re shipping through your grief journey, sometimes you need to put the red FRAGILE tape on, or put another layer of bubble wrap around, you want to come out in one piece at the end!

  • We all know the power of friendships, but times our grief can put friendships under pressure when you need them the most. If you’re supporting a friend remember this is a marathon not a sprint and the longevity and consistency of your support will mean the most. If you’re being supported by a friend, remember to show gratitude and consciously make an effort to give back when the time feels right. If you’ve lost a friend to suicide it can throw up a load of questions around the meaning of friendship to you, these are all normal feelings and are the same as if it was a family member, talk with your other friends to see if they’re feeling the same.

  • Just like friendships, your family can be such an important part of your support package through grief. One dynamic that can be challenging if you’ve lost a family member is grieving with your family but balancing each other’s grief and the ways you’re processing it. Especially with suicide because of the stigma different generations can react in different ways which can feel isolating. Family relationships can take work at the best of times so in the toughest moments don’t forget to nurture and work on these relationships.

 
 

  • The reality of suicide loss is hard enough without replaying “what if’s” in your mind. Trauma brings lots of complicated emotions but please know that you should not carry guilt after experiencing suicide loss. This wasn’t your fault, “Everything that happens to us, happens because of us” - Shery Sandberg. Read Option B to learn how resilience will help you move forward with life.

 
 

  • Healing is a rewarding process; the steps that gradually make you feel better over time. It can sometimes be hard to see this when it’s happening but it is good to look back on the healing and recognise what worked and if there are any practices you can take forward to continue healing or use again in the future. We are all stronger than we know, our bodies and minds are amazing and will heal from the trauma of suicide loss but everyone’s healing process will look different.

  • Asking for help is one of the hardest things to do but the more we do it the more normal it becomes. If you’re early on in your grief or many years into it, it is ALWAYS okay to ask for help. You’re not weak for reaching out and asking for a friendly ear or a day off to rest, you are brave for acknowledging your needs and acting on them.

 
 

  • Suicide bereavement is isolating because we’re made to believe that talking about suicide loss is uncomfortable - lets change that together! Speak about your loss, emotions and person you lost. Normalising talking about suicide, grief and bereavement in general brings people into the conversation and reduces feelings of isolation. You are not alone on this grief journey.

 
 

  • Let's talk about positive judgement, use your judgement to make good decisions around self-care and looking after yourself whilst grieving. External judgement isn’t worth worrying about, have conversations with people you can trust to listen without judgement.

  • We use this word a lot at Suicide&Co, we’re run by a full team who have lived experience of suicide loss and are all on this journey together. Every day we learn more about ourselves and the community we’re in. When navigating your own grief journey make sure that you go at your own pace, grief isn’t a simple journey but know that no matter how bumpy the road is - you are not alone.

  • Losing someone to suicide can bring moments of deep sadness but that doesn’t cancel out moments of joy. We promise you that you will find moments of joy again. Talking about mixed feelings is so important, sadness and happiness come hand in hand. One of our favourite self-care tips is to search for the tiny moments of joy in the everyday, walking in nature or calling a friend are two easy places to start.

 
 

  • We all strive to be kind to one another, so this one feels obvious. But in times of crisis people naturally turn up the kindness dial ensuring they’re actively reaching out. It’s when the initial period ends and people return to normal life that this can become less frequent. An act of kindness can change someone’s day so if you’re supporting someone or being supported, do something kind for someone and you’ll feel the benefits.

 
 

  • We talk a lot about the power of non-judgmental and active listening and that’s because it’s crucial to any conversation. Often people just want space to express their feelings and navigate their situation so it’s not always about the advice you give or comfort you provide through words, it can just be that you’re listening and are providing that time for them to talk.

  • Grief can come hand in hand with a feeling of loneliness, which is often magnified by a sudden bereavement such as suicide. To manage this feeling it is important to be kind to yourself and find healthy ways to express your emotions. We also recommend finding a community of people who can relate to your feelings of grief- it can be comforting to know that others are on a similar journey and you are not alone.

  • You will laugh again. In moments of huge sadness we sometimes forget the lives that we lived before our loss, forget the times we get tummy ache from laughing so hard and convince ourselves that we’ll never get back there. We promise that you will, sometimes the darkest scenarios can become lighter with a dash of humour. Comedian Isabelle Farah speaks about her suicide loss - she’s got a full stand up show about her experience!

 
 

  • Take comfort in memories and dip into them as and when you need. Suicide bereavement can make it hard to remember the good times but allow yourself to feel it all and recognise that its okay to sit with your memories sometimes. If you feel comfortable, talk about your memories with your friends and family, say the person's name that you lost. Keeping their memories alive can make you feel more connected.

  • Say it with us “we all have mental health” and it's important to take care of it. Think about how much care and attention we pay to our physical health, now apply it to your mental health. Sometimes your mental health will be good or poor, or somewhere in between but it is always with us. Open the conversation about mental health, let's celebrate and commiserate our mental health like we do our bodies.

  • Allow yourself time just for you, time to focus on your mind and body in the present moment. Practising moments of mindfulness can bring a sense of calm to your day. Mindfulness can sound scary but it can be as simple as sitting still and breathing in for 8 seconds, holding your breath for a moment then slowly breathing out and counting to 6. Repeat this action and feel your mind clear and body unclench. There are lots of apps to help guide you through mindfulness, we like Headspace.

 
 

  • Conversation isn’t all about talking, listening is a vital part of a conversation too! The best way to be understood and to understand other’s stories is to practice non-judgmental listening. Open your ears, hearts and minds to really understand someone else's experiences, we don’t need to be judged or to judge others, we’re all just trying to navigate our own journeys.

  • Traumatic experiences can leave you in a state of numbness. Numbness is another feeling and with all feelings they come and go and you won’t feel numb forever. Try spending some time working through why you feel numb. Journaling can be a good way to explore your feelings; our friends at Sanctus hold free daily journaling sessions.

  • Exploring the outdoors is brilliant for our wellbeing. Walking in nature can show us the beauty in the everyday - noticing the colours of flowers or smoothness of stones, whatever nature you can find in your local area get out and breathe it in. Spending a lot of time inside our own environments at home, work and school can feel suffocating and it's easy to forget that there's a whole world outside.

  • Craving normality is entirely valid. Humans like routine and normality and when the security of the norm is taken away from us we can feel really unsettled, unhappy and lost. Creating moments of normality in your everyday life can really help these feelings; go for a 15 minute walk everyday, try showering at the same time everyday, adding this normality to your life can make you feel more secure and safe.

 
 

  • Life can be a lot sometimes and navigating life after loosing someone to suicide can feel particularly overwhelming. When a big event, such as death happens it can take weeks and years to adjust to life without that person. Feeling overwhelmed is entirely normal. Try to be open with your feelings and accept that sometimes you will feel overwhelmed and sometimes you won’t. Knowing that you are not alone and talking about how you feel will make you realise that lots of people feel overwhelmed with life on a day to day basis - it is tough but so are you.

 
 

  • Suicide bereavement causes lots of heart ache and pain, both emotionally and physically. In grief you might experience headaches, back pain, tummy problems - you are not alone in these symptoms of stress! Our bodies can have a physical reaction to grief so it's always worth checking in with your mind and your body to make sure that you’re taking care of yourself.

 
 

  • Loosing someone to suicide often leaves us with a million questions. How could you leave me? Why wasn’t I enough to make you stay? Was life really that bad? Did I do enough? Was it my fault? Stop torturing yourself by asking questions that you will never receive an answer to. Research subjects within your control, e.g learn about poor mental health and the science behind chemical imbalances but let go of questions which you can not answer, you are not responsible for other people's thoughts or actions. It was not your fault.

 
 

  • Sheryl Sandberg believes that ‘Resilience is a muscle you can grow’ and so do we. You might not feel very strong at first but trauma and grief will stir in you a courage that will stay with you for the rest of your life. Repeat after us ‘I am resilient. I will continue to be resilient’.

 
 

  • Empower yourself to say the word suicide, it isn’t a word you should avoid because of shame. Talking about suicide doesn’t make those around you suicidal, it normalises the conversation around suicide and makes people feel less alone. Coming to terms with suicide after losing someone can be tough because there is still so much unknown about mental health and the act of suicide. Take comfort in knowing that suicide is the result of an illness, just in the same way as other illnesses, some are fatal.

  • Death by suicide is often sudden and unexpected, which means there can be more shock experienced compared to other types of bereavement. Feeling shock is a totally normal reaction as news of a suicide can often come with no warning. Shock can also lead to disbelief and denial in the initial stages of grief. Remember not to rush your grieving process and keep in touch with loved ones who can provide comfort and understanding.

  • Suicide is still very stigmatised and can often be seen as a taboo subject - this can make it really difficult to talk about, whether you are discussing suicide bereavement, or talking about feeling suicidal. This stigma in society causes a lack of conversation which can lead to you bottling up your emotions which can have a negative effect on your mental health. This is why we actively encourage conversations around suicide-related grief, as this is the only way to lessen the stigma, and we can all do our part by having these discussions.

  • Mental health and sleep are closely connected. Sleep, or lack of it, is common in grief and those who are bereaved are more likely to suffer with middle insomnia (waking up in the middle of the night and struggling to get back to sleep)- this is even more common for individuals with complicated grief. Good sleep can often help you to cope with the grieving process too. Remember to practice good self-care rituals before bed and seek medical help if your grief symptoms are interfering with your sleep.

  • Although everyone reacts to loss differently, almost every loss is accompanied by stress. Losing a loved one can cause chaos and disruption to your daily life and this can be a really stressful experience. It is also common to experience physical symptoms of stress triggered by grief, such as aches and pains, difficulty sleeping and difficulty breathing. Find ways to manage your stress and be aware of your triggers to try and alleviate your symptoms.

  • Coping with the loss of a loved one is incredibly hard and it is normal to feel like your whole life has been turned upside down, but looking after your own wellbeing when dealing with grief is crucial. It is important to remember to take time for yourself and to practice self-care. Self-care can be anything from binge watching your favourite TV show, to more practical things like cleaning your house and going food shopping. Read this piece on our Help Hub to learn more on the benefits of ‘boring self-care’.

  • Shame often comes with the nature of suicide-related grief due to the societal stigma associated with the word suicide. Although you may feel a sense of shame when discussing the suicide of a loved one, please know that there is nothing to be ashamed of and you are not to blame. These feelings of shame must be challenged with open conversations, as hiding through shame and avoiding these discussions can make grief more challenging. One tip is to practice saying the word suicide in the mirror, this can help to normalise the word and make these conversations easier.

 
 

  • The world can be a very triggering place after experiencing suicide loss. We can find triggers in the strangest places; hearing about a friends dinner with both their parents when you’ve lost a parent, making a single cup of tea when you used to always make two, big occasions like Christmas, Eid and Birthdays. Step back and reflect on moments that make you feel uncomfortable, upset or propel you into deep grief and acknowledge what those moments are. The more we know about our grief and potential triggers the easier it is to work through them, open up to those around you and explain why you are reacting to certain situations. The more we talk, the easier managing triggers becomes.

  • Talking about your grief or discussing memories of your lost loved one might help you to feel a sense of peace and it can help to confront and deal with your feelings. At Suicide&Co, we encourage open and honest discussions of grief because suppressing these emotions can be mentally, physically and emotionally damaging. Whilst talking is important, we recognise that we do not always have the right tools to start these conversations- this is why we developed our conversation guide!

  • The age old saying of “Time is the greatest healer” is true. As time goes on our grief doesn’t always leave us but we learn how to hold our grief and move forward, with life growing around us. Be kind to yourself as time goes on, your grief and your experience will never become less valid but it will change with time.

  • Anyone can go to therapy, it's time to challenge the stereotypes! You don’t need to be experiencing poor mental health to explore therapy. Talking therapies or counselling is talking about your life and feelings, let's keep it simple - would you go to the gym or eat healthy food to look after your physical fitness? Therapy is exactly this but for your mental fitness, therapy offers you a safe non-judgmental space to talk about things that matter to you.

  • Labelling your experience can empower you to own what happened to you. Suicide loss carries trauma because it evokes long lasting emotions towards the event or the person you lost. Spend time trying unpack your trauma and explore the mixed feelings that you might feel towards your experience of suicide loss. A traumatic event doesn’t need to define the rest of your life, once we accept the enormity of trauma we can start to understand it and live with it. If you feel like you can't cope with the emotions of trauma alone please speak to someone.

 
 

  • News of a suicide can often come as unexpected news. The stigma around speaking about mental health leads to secrecy and shame, which means suicide often comes entirely out of the blue to everyone, even the closest people to the person who died by suicide. Never make assumptions about someone's mental health or grief experience - we can never know the complexity of someone's personal experience.

 
 

  • Welcome vulnerability into your life, whether it's your own vulnerability or someone else's. To be vulnerable is to be truly honest with yourself, suicide loss can expose lots of vulnerabilities that we didn’t experience prior to loss; abandonment, anxiety, fear of change. This is so normal and the more we learn about our own vulnerabilities the more equipped we will be to deal with them. Don’t be afraid to say your vulnerabilities out loud, humans want to connect with each other and when we hear others talking about their vulnerabilities it allows us to share our own vulnerabilities too. Life is hard, let's be vulnerable and brave together.

 
 

  • Heightened worry after suicide loss is to be expected and normal. Worry for the future, worry for your own health, worry for the health of others around you. Grief can increase your awareness of how fragile life is but the reality is that worry doesn’t have the power to change anything. Try to only worry about things which are within your control and let go of the rest - sometimes this is easier said than done so try writing your worries down and rationalise your feelings. Speak to others about your worries to make them feel more manageable.

 
 

  • No two experiences are exactly the same but find solace that you are not alone in your experience. Sharing your experience of suicide loss can help you understand the emotions and mixed feelings which come with a traumatic event. Choose the right platform to share your experience, it might be with a close friend, a counsellor, at a peer to peer support group or you can even write about your experience and share it with our community. The experience of losing someone to suicide is a heavy one, but it’s certainly not one you have to navigate alone.

 
 

  • You matter and your experience matters. Suicide loss and grief can feel consuming at times and it’s easy to forget the person you were before. It is okay to change your opinions or lifestyle after something huge happens in your life, don’t feel guilty for spending time working on yourself.

  • You might find yourself missing your old life and yearning for a normality without grief and that's okay! It's really hard to accept changes to our life which are entirely out of our control. Making plans for the future can help redirect your yearning for the past into hope for the future. As with all feelings, let yourself sit for them for as long as you need.

  • As the years go on it's totally normal that we change as individuals and with that, our grief and emotions change too. The further we get from the moment we lost someone to suicide the more conflicting it can feel; as the years go on the pain will mellow but it can also feel scary to move on with our lives because it means we’re becoming more distant to what happened and the person we lost. Read other’s lived experience stories to help understand your own experience and try writing down how you feel as the years pass, it can help you process your feelings.

 
 

  • When you have experienced a life changing event like suicide loss you may experience bursts of zero tolerance towards other peoples moans and groans - that is okay! Your empathy gauge isn’t broken, you are just processing your own experience and everyone understands suffering based on their own experience. Be patient with the people around you and know that someone else's pain or suffering doesn’t invalidate your loss or experience.

  • Grief is not linear and you will find yourself zig-zagging through the motions. Life is full of twists and turns so try and go with the flow, it can be comforting knowing that your grief will change over the course of a day, month or year. No matter where you are on your grief journey, be sure to look back on the zig-zag that got you to where you are right now and be proud of yourself.