Submission 52

Dear Johan,

We met when we were 10, we were almost the exact same age with only 20 days between us. We didn't 'take' to one another right away but over time, we grew close. We spent an intense few weeks together before you joined the South African army at the age of 17 to serve in Angola - a horrible war. We agreed to write to one another and we did - regularly.

I think maybe we fell in love a little bit - but I met a guy whom I thought was the love of my life and you moved in with someone too. We drifted apart a little. Then I moved in with my sister and your dad and you came home one week for your RnR and we just gelled back together again but I could see you were troubled.

I then met the man I later married and my life changed. It wasn't happy at first and you pitched up at my door during one of my bleakest moments and held me. We rekindled everything that we had suppressed but I was married....You walked away and my life went on. I fell pregnant and a month before my baby was due, near your 23rd birthday, you gassed yourself in your car. I was devastated. No one told me why and I still don't know....I tell myself it was the after effects of the war, undiagnosed PTSD and perhaps the drugs you were taking (yes I knew about them).

I loved you from the first time I saw you when I was 10 but for some obscure reason, it was never really something either of acknowledged. We were close and you inadvertently told me you loved me after I was married (you said "you seem to make everyone fall in love with you").

I wish you'd told me about your pain, we could have worked through it together. You were there when I needed you but I wasn't there for you and I've never forgiven myself for that.I still love the you I remember. I always will.

RIP and in painless eternity.