Amy’s diary entry from a 10 year anniversary
Time can heal in so many ways. Usually I feel I can cope with the enormity of having lost my mother, however there are days when it feels like the first day - and this was one of those days.
On Thursday, it will be 10 years, 3,650 days, 5,256,000 minutes or 315,360,000 seconds since Mummy left us. In so many ways 10 years seems such a long time, but my heart still breaks in the same way as it did on that first afternoon when my world started unravelling around me. The physical pain, though not as common, stabs and constricts as much as it ever has.
I thought 10 years later I may have more answers, more clarity, more bravery when I think about her, but I don’t think I do. Yes, I have more strength than those first days as I know deep down I have gone through 10 years and come out the other side, but that hasn’t been without the pangs of fear, anxiety, unimaginable grief, suicidal thoughts and despair.
What has shocked me coming up to the anniversary is that, even after 10 years, I am no closer and will never be closer to understanding what went wrong inside her head, why we weren’t good enough and why she didn’t try harder. The logical side of my brain knows that there was a lightning bolt, a chemical unbalance, an astronomical shift in her brain’s capacity to enjoy life as she once did. But the emotional, damaged daughter just doesn’t understand why.
It will have been 10 years of my life that I will never be able to share with her, 10 years of highs, lows, motherly advice needed, mother-daughter tiffs and everything in between that I will never be able to experience with her. The things that I want to tell her are never-ending.
I know time heals in so many ways. But something as big as losing one of the people you love most in this world will never be able to be healed just through minutes passing.
The scars can’t fully be healed, your heart can’t be patched up, the missed conversations can’t be had, the hugs can’t be made up for and the love can’t be given to someone else - it’s just wasted.
I just need to come to terms with the fact that tears will forever stream down my face and I will never be cured of this monumental fuck up that occurred in our lives.
Suicide just goes so far beyond the realms of normal human life, doing something like holding your breath, jumping off a cliff or hanging yourself is just not something you will ever make sense of.
Approaching the anniversary of a loved one will be tough and it’s ok to feel sad, angry and mad, to process your thoughts over and over. Although the pain will never go away completely, for me it has become more bearable and less frequent with time.
Written by Amy Ropner