Opening Up

If I knew what I know now nearly 6 months ago.

You see, no one told me. Despite accessing private medical care as resources were so limited via the NHS for mental health, no professional told me the questions I should be asking.

Rich took his life in January this year. 

I knew he had depression and anxiety but I had no idea that his pain had reached that point. None whatsoever. It just wasn't on my radar so I spent time discussing and sending him links to life coaches and mental health support when I really should have been on suicide watch. 

There are websites available for suicide prevention, but how was I supposed to know these even existed when it was so far from my mind?

I had no idea that asking him outright if he was experiencing suicidal thoughts was what I should have been doing and what his intentions were. I should have been coming up with a plan to ensure that this didn't ever happen. Instead we looked at jobs and life coaches and I spent time telling him how grateful he should be with the life that we had. 

My husband had such an incredible humour which we shared, he was immensely kind and thoughtful to me and others. He was a deep thinker and so creative in many different ways. 

The year before I supported him through a very challenging period of poor mental health. Looking back, he openly told me he had a long history with bouts of depression which he hadn't realised and it was only in recent months after ill treatment at work and then redundancy, did this trigger major depression. 

Rich then engaged with every service possible. He bought and read all the books on mental health, he journaled every day and he meditated daily which he had never done before. 

He cut out all alcohol, sugar and caffeine the last 6 weeks of his life in a bid to make himself physically and mentally stronger. In reality it reduced the daily joys which he loved so much. 

Rich's mental health deteriorated so fast and the last month you could physically see how different he looked. He was exhausted and tormented himself with thoughts that he wasn't worthy or capable enough after experiencing such painful bullying under narcissistic behaviour at work. 

There is no doubt that Rich had a generalised anxiety disorder much of his life which left him vulnerable to life changes and the redundancy catapulted him into depression very quickly; he didn't have the resources alone he needed in order to combat it. His nervous system was literally hijacked and his prefrontal lobes were engulfed with cortisol making him find it so hard to enjoy things he had previously loved. 

During Christmas 2021, the psychiatry services he had engaged in were simply closed. He had written a mood diary which he shared with me and the medical team. This was deemed not critical and given an appointment for later on in January and no phone call but only email replies. This lack of priority for mental health highlights the fact how we need to be doing so much more. I've since ironically had personal experience of taking medication and seeking support for my own mental health and services for mental health really are dire. 

NHS England predicts that in the next 5 years, there will be 10 million people needing mental health support. This needs to crucially change in order to make sure the next generation don't have the same hurdles to climb.  

Without a doubt, I couldn't have managed without my immediate family and close friends supporting my mental health and in turn my children's these past few months.  You start to know fairly quickly who is really there for you and who slowly starts to withdraw. I've had people cross the street when seeing me. This shows how people are not in the know about how to interact with others, even friends and family, who are experiencing grief. They say nothing at all which is more hurtful than anything at all.  

It is so good that mental health is now discussed in schools and more attention on having a healthy brain is spot-lighted alongside physical health. Not enough is done to support parents to understand mental health still though. I hope to see huge changes in understanding poor mental health in my young daughters' childhood and going forward for theirs and many others sake.