Denise Manoharan’s shared experience

My son Adrian took his own life in April 2019 aged 34. He had tried to take his life twice before previously.

Myself and my family have gone through all the emotions that grief throws at you when someone you love takes their own life.

I will always remember the policeman knocking on our door to inform us that Adrian had taken his own life. The shock and devastation at this stage is overwhelming. The practicalities of informing everyone, arranging funerals- you are working on overdrive and almost sleep walking through the days.

The next stage is the angry stage. Angry because you do not understand why. Why did they do it, why could I not help and why were they so selfish to put you and the family through this without a second thought.

The final stage is acceptance and understanding. Acceptance that he was ill and the understanding that he could not see another way out, and needed peace from his demons.

Someone asked me recently how can I possibly cope with losing my son to suicide, as if it was their child they could not bear it.

My response was if God came to me and said Denise we will send Adrian back, but we will take you in his place I would need the answer to a question. If you send him back will he have a happy, contented, peaceful life, or will he have exactly the same life that he had before? If his life was going to be exactly the same as before my answer would be no I will leave him with you. The selfish side would want him back regardless, but my realistic side knows that he was ill and to want him back suffering the way he was would be selfish and unkind on my part.

For those of you just starting the grief journey of a loved one taking their own life. Things will never be the same again and you will think of them everyday, but you will get through it, the sun will shine in your life again and you will smile at all of the happy memories of your loved one. Allow yourself to go through all of the different emotions that you are going to have, they are your emotions and no one has any right to tell you how to feel, own them. You loved this person and this is why you feel the way you do and you have the right to these feelings. Always know that you are not alone in this, sadly there are others out there who know how you feel, reach out and talk.

Written by Denise Manoharan.