Amelia’s Experience
What phrase do you use most often to describe how your loved one died?
When mummy first died I used ‘took her own life’ but to be honest it took me a while to find that, as at first most people around me knew. It’s when I started meeting new people again (colleagues, boys on dates) that I had to figure out what I wanted to say. I personally don’t like the phrase committed but I don’t blame or judge people for using it as it’s so ingrained in our culture and language. Now I say died by sucide a lot as that is what feels the most comfortable, but I only really found that when starting the charity.
2. Did you struggle with that language?
Yes, I really didn’t like the phrase killed herself at the start, it felt so harsh. But as time went on I realised it was actually the act of saying the words that felt harder than how I was saying it. Weirdly but I guess obviously the more you say it and the more new situations you’re in the easier it becomes.
3. How do you find having conversations about the person you’ve lost?
I’ve been really lucky to have friends around me that bring mummy up often, or let me bring her up and from the start I’ve loved talking about her as a person and the good memories. And when I’m in the mood I feel comfortable having conversations about the hard parts.
4. How do you find having conversations about your grief and what you’re going through?
This I found really challenging, and I was always better at having them after I’d felt sad. Like I’d be chatting to someone and say ‘I had a sad week last week’ but never have called them in the time I was sad. Again my friends have been great and seeing that is the reason I wanted to start the charity because if everyone was able to have conversations like we’ve had (which has taken practice!) then people would feel a lot more supported, or at least that’s what I believe. In the first year, the best conversations I had about my grief were with a counsellor
5. What do you think could make these conversations easier?
More information and guidance on how to have these conversations, especially how to start conversations for those supporting. It’s the question I get asked the most. I also think the more we can raise awareness about the power of being able to talk freely with your support network and have them listen non-judgmentally the better!
6. Do you have tips for others in this situation?
Contextualise your questions. Asking someone how they are after a loss, is too broad and makes it hard for them to answer. Say how are you ‘today’? Did you sleep well last night? How have you found this week? etc, that way it’s easier to answer and they can jump off it or expand if they want to.
7. Was there one thing you wish people had said or asked you after your bereavement?
Not one thing, but when the dust settles is when it’s easy to forget, or when someone looks good it’s easy to think they’re ok. I think I would have liked more people in the 6month - 2 year period to check in every once and a while to see if I was actually ok. Maybe a ‘how are you feeling about mummy at the moment?’ Because if I was in a good place or on good day, my answer would simply have been yes, but if I wasn’t it would give me the space to talk. To be honest I think I could still use this every once in a while nowadays!