Rachel’s Experience
What phrase do you use most often to describe how your loved one died?
I would say my Dad ‘took his life’.
2. Did you struggle with that language?
I struggled when people used the term ‘committed suicide’.
Before I lost my Dad, I will admit that I used this term quite freely but I’ve realised that this phrase doesn’t feel right to me anymore – people who took their own life have not committed a crime. Using the phrase ‘took his life’ feels like the most natural way to explain what happened.
3. How do you find having conversations about the person you’ve lost?
I love it when my Dad is brought up in conversation, it is so comforting and I get such strength from talking about him. In fact, I find it sad when people purposefully avoid talking about him in front of me. He’s my Dad and he always will be. Chances are, I’ll be thinking about him anyway so there is never any harm in bringing him up.
4. How do you find having conversations about your grief and what you’re going through?
I don’t mind talking about my grief at all. From the start, my family and I have been very open about our grief and when people ask how I’m feeling, I’ll always try and be honest and say it how it is. When Dad passed away, I very quickly realised I didn’t want people around me to feel awkward talking about what happened. I’ve always been quite an open book and I didn’t want this to change that.
5. What do you think could make these conversations easier?
It is important for people to understand that they don’t need to find solutions for the person who is grieving. There is no solution, sadly, as their loved one has gone. Just by being present, listening and talking about their loved one is comfort enough.
6. Do you have tips for others in this situation?
In my experience, the most comforting thing to say to a friend who is grieving is ‘I can see you’re struggling. I know nothing I say will make it better but I am always here for you.’ You don’t need to try to find a solution to all their worries, you don’t need to try to ‘look on the bright side’, just be there for your friend.
7. Was there one thing you wish people had said or asked you after your bereavement?
Nothing specifically, but what I would say is… I have learnt that it is always better to say something, acknowledge someone has lost someone and is grieving rather than ignoring it and staying silent. Your words will mean a lot. And, try not to worry too much about what you should say – they will just be touched that you have thought about them.