Cassies’s Experience
What phrase do you use most often to describe how your loved one died?
Died by suicide
2. Did you struggle with that language?
At first yes. I defaulted to ‘took their own life’ in the months following until I learned a way that I felt more comfortable with.
3. How do you find having conversations about the person you’ve lost?
I’m very happy to talk about them but I worry about making other people uncomfortable. It’s really nice when people ask me questions about what they were like, or what their name was, or to see pictures, because it provides an opening for me to share and I know they want to learn more.
4. How do you find having conversations about your grief and what you’re going through?
I find this easier as time has gone by. I don’t feel the need anymore to cram it in early. I used to think how could you possibly know me if you don’t know what has happened to me, but over time I’ve found if I leave my grief to come up naturally, I find it much less stressful to talk about. It comes up in little stories or moments of positive memories, rather than blurting out the scary bit.
5. What do you think could make these conversations easier?
I think talking to someone a few years down the line in the early stages could help to understand what time does. Time allows you to amass the vocabulary that makes you feel more comfortable, that best describes what happened to you and your loved one, and what you want others to know about you. Knowing that you own what happened to you, and that you only ever have to share what you want. Knowing you can say ‘no’ when someone asks you a question that you don’t want to answer. Feeling empowered that you won’t upset people by talking about suicide.
6. Do you have tips for others in this situation?
Practicing saying ‘suicide’ out loud in a safe space takes the stigma away from within – sometimes you don’t even realise you have a block on the word, but if you think about it, it makes sense. It’s such a scary word to most people. But being able to say it out loud helps with processing it, but only when you’re ready.
7. Was there one thing you wish people had said or asked you after your bereavement?
That’s really shit (acknowledging the bad thing)
What was her name?
What was she like?
It’s okay if all you manage to do today is breathe.