Sara’s Experience
What phrase do you use most often to describe how your loved one died?
I sometimes say “we lost Sophie to suicide” or “Sophie took her own life”
2. Did you struggle with that language?
Yes, initially, I just said “we have lost Sophie” but now I do say that “she took her own life” – unfortunately when you say that it definitely stops people in their tracks and then I find they are at a loss for what to say.
3. How do you find having conversations about the person you’ve lost?
Most of the time I love talking about her. Obviously some days it’s harder than others, but talking about her keeps her with us. It is distressing discussing how she took her life but it also makes it very clear that it was not a cry for help, it was a very clear decision that she took and we feel that is important for people to know.
4. How do you find having conversations about your grief and what you’re going through?
I find it hard discussing my grief. Everyone deals with it so differently and it is really hard to express the emotion with people who have never experienced this type of overwhelming grief. Losing a child is just not the way things are meant to be and generally I find people don’t know what to say and often say things that are not helpful, I know they don’t mean to but they just aren’t able to find the right words, whatever those are!
5. What do you think could make these conversations easier?
I’m not sure there are things that can make these conversations easier. I am hoping time will make it easier to discuss her but I suspect it is always going to be very emotional and painful and some days we will feel stronger than others. I do find that friends and family find it easier when they understand that we are happy to talk about her, how she took her life and how we are all coping. It makes it easier for people if they can see we are happy to engage with them and not shy away from discussing Sophie and that terrible day in October 2020 and the lead up to it. Knowing more about her and the situation helps people to understand, it also stops rumours and misinformation spreading.
6. Do you have tips for others in this situation?
I think it’s hard to have tips for someone else. Everyone will deal with it differently. It also depends on the relationship they had with the person they have lost and how the interaction before had been. For those like myself I would say, talk about your loved one but also give yourself time and space to grieve. Sometimes I find it hard to look at photos of Sophie and it is those times that I try and ‘cut myself some slack’, I just avoid looking at pictures and I try not to feel guilty for not allowing her into my thoughts sometimes. I have to put shutters down from time to time otherwise I would not be able to cope and would become overwhelmed with sadness, guilt and then I would struggle to move forwards. So I would definitely say to someone, be kind to yourself, don’t rush anything.
7. Was there one thing you wish people had said or asked you after your bereavement?
I don’t think there is one thing. Asking ‘are you ok’ was what people asked most and of course we weren’t ok, but you just answer “ I’m fine” when of course you aren’t. The best support is just knowing people are there and thinking about you and caring. It makes a huge difference.