Submission 10
Dear Alexis,
There are so many things I feel like I need and want to say to you. I want to call you just to chat like we used to. I want to hear your laugh again. Man, I loved your laugh. I can hear it as I type these words. I want to see you with my babies. Listen to you while you talk with them, read to them, cuddle them.
I want to rewind time and go back to when you and I were little and dad would make way too much popcorn on movie nights. I felt like I could tell you anything. You were always so supportive and my biggest cheerleader.
I’m still so mad at you even almost three years later. I try not to be. I really try to understand, but it’s hard. It’s hard to look into mom and dad’s faces and see how broken they are even through the smiles they courageously put on. Their pain is palpable and it has strained my relationship with them because it brings so much hurt to the surface when the three of us are together when it should be four.
I am still trying to figure out who I am without you. I still cannot believe the words that come out of my mouth when I have to say you are gone… gone forever. There are still many times I just pretend you are far away on a trip living your best life and I will hear from you soon.
You are and always will be my beautiful, incredibly intelligent, kind, loving little sister. I am doing my best to heal for mom and dad and my babies. I am doing my best to heal for me and for you. The kids still talk about you and say your name on a regular basis. It makes my heart happy. I want them growing up knowing you and who you were and how much you loved them. I want them to have a special relationship with you each in their own way.
I want to continue to have a relationship with you too and I hope to get there one day… when the pain isn’t too much to bear. I don’t want the world to forget you so I will do my best to continue to say your name and bring up memories and hang up pictures when I’m ready.
That’s what you deserve. To always be remembered for who you were and not how you died.
I love you so much, sissy. Forever and always.
Boy, could I use one of your hugs right about now.