Submission 127

Dear Dad,

It’s been 17 years without you now and some things become easier and some become harder. People say the pain never lessens but it does, the rough waves just become further apart and there is more time to breathe before the next one crashes. I’ve lived more of my life without you than I did with you now; I don’t remember your smell and I struggle to remember your voice. I feel guilty for forgetting. I feel guilty that I’ve found happiness in a life without you in it.

I’m ever grateful that you left a letter, and answered so many of the questions that we would have been asking. I truly don’t believe that you had any concept of the hole you’d leave in our lives and I suppose I know that that’s why you did it, but I hate that you thought we’d be better off without you. And I’m angry because I know I’d be a different person if you’d never left. I would trust easier and not live in fear that the people I love will one day vanish without saying a word. I wouldn’t get that awful sinking feeling when I can’t get hold of someone and break-ups wouldn’t feel like reliving the grief all over again.

You said in your letter that you were leaving me all the hugs and kisses that you never gave and some days that’s all I ever want. Losing 2 people in the last 8 months has been incredibly confronting and the memory of you feels overwhelming. How is it that the first funeral I had to go to was yours? How is it that once it was me sat at the front of the service staring at your coffin? It’s been 17 years but the memory of that day will always be as crisp as if it was yesterday.

I’ll always wonder why I wasn’t enough for you to stay but I carry you and the memory of you in everything I do, for better or worse. I know you were in pain and I can only take comfort in thinking that you are no longer, and that one day I will see you again.