Submission 129

To my boyfriend,

It’s almost 3 and a half years since you left.

You were 19. We had known each other since we were both 11 years old. I had no idea of the pain you were carrying but you knew about mine. You always supported me through my mental illnesses. I will forever be sorry that I didn’t notice you were also struggling. I wish you had opened up to me.

I remember you as a happy, funny and caring soul. We have so many memories shared together that I have the responsibility of remembering now. I make notes of these as I am scared of forgetting. I am also scared of growing older without you. I am now 22, 3 years older than you. I still feel incredibly young and struggle to cope with the fact you were only 19 when you made such a huge decision.

I never thought I would experience the pain of grief so young and especially grieve someone I thought would be in my life forever. I am scared of all the years left of my life I will have to spend without you. It’s hard. We were supposed to experience so many milestones together; first careers, first house, getting married, having children. I wrote your eulogy instead of my vows to you. I miss you. I can get through my days fine now, but at night when I am alone it hurts.

You completely broke me, but I don’t blame you. I’m not angry at you. You also completely saved me. I have achieved more than I thought I could living with anxiety, I am now in my final year of my degree thanks to you. You are my motivation and everything I do is to make you proud.

I’ve never been a religious person but I like to believe that each day I spend on Earth is one step closer to seeing you again.

I hope you’ve found peace and happiness.

I love you.