Submission 148

To my sweet brother

It has only been two months. Two months since our family lost your sweet soul. There are so many things I regret. I regret not asking you how you were doing everyday, ignoring some texts, and most of all I regret not seeing what you were going through. You were always smiling. It is so hard for me to imagine life without you, yet here I am. I lie to myself everyday, and I feel as if i’m not coping correctly. I see people who look like you and convince myself that when they turn around, it would be you. It never is. It never will be. There is a huge hole in my heart, and it can never be filled. I wake up from my sleep crying because I have dreams of you coming to my games, and I know they can’t go beyond that, dreams. I will hear the front door open in the house and think, “Dylan is here to clear out our fridge,” but you aren’t. I can’t tell myself you are gone, because my mind just simply can’t process it. I didn’t get a goodbye. All I am left with is “why?” Losing someone to suicide is one of the most painful deaths to mourn, because your question can never be answered. In my mind, you are going to walk through the front door again one day and it will all be a joke, and the pain will be gone. Deep down, I know this can’t be true, but I can’t think anything else. I miss you more than letters I can ever type. I will continue to tell your story to everyone I meet. I love you more than words will ever describe.