A collection of letters written by our community to their loved ones.

Dear B

I’m writing this as we celebrate your birthday for another year— without you. There are so many things in this life that remind me of you, trigger a memory, small or big. Suddenly my eyes fill up with tears. I cry less frequently than I did in the first year, but I can still feel my breath catch in the back of my throat when I think about you, your laugh, your shoes, the way you sat on the couch, the constant twirling of your beard, the way you fit into my life.

To the funniest person I knew,

Hey. It’s been over a year now since you left. I remember the first day we met, we instantly connected. The way you’d light up an entire room without even trying is something I’ll never forget. I remember you telling me that one day you wanted to be a singer/rapper. I hope that wherever the universe put you now, you’re living that dream. I’m so sorry that life was never fair to you. I’m sorry that I didn’t reach out more once we both went back to our homes. I still feel your light on the days where things feel so dark. I can hear you telling me to keep going. So I will. I promise, I will. And someday, when my time is up, I hope we can laugh together again. Miss you every day, kid.

To My Best Friend,

Kayden... you were my best friend, I remember spending every night staying on call with you and soon falling asleep. We used to talk about everything together. I'm so glad I met you. And I can't wait to see you on the other side when I pass of old age in the future.

Dad,

Nothing is the same since you left us. There is a void that cannot be filled, and the world has changed.
I’m sorry you suffered for 2 years, you became a shell of the funny, charismatic Dad we once knew. It was nothing short of heartbreaking to watch you fall deeper into the darkness ,despite your efforts to get well again. You really did try, and I know that.

I want you to know I’m not angry, I understand you could no longer take the thoughts, and the torment of your mind, but the day you chose to end your pain, ours truly began. There is no pain like it.

Dad,

There aren't enough words I could put to paper, enough time in the world, or enough lifetimes that could hold the infinate amount of love I have for you.

Dear G,

You meant something to me, to all of us. I am so sorry we let you down this week. You left a hole no one could fill.

To my handsome love,

It's been five years, Joaquin is now 9 and Iséla is 7. They were 4 and 2 when you ended your life. As I watch our baby boy grow, he is hitting the age where he needs his dad to help him navigate through the boy/manly stuff

My memory always wanders back to the conversation we had at our old house sitting on our couch. We were talking about your broken relationship with your own dad.

You looked at Joaquin, touched his hair and said that every boy needs his dad. I'm always going to be here for him.

Dear Grady,

I didn't get to know you very well before you died, but you've been in my head every day since. I'd like to think we'd have been friends. I remember your laughter in school and your smile. I remember watching you and your brother walk across the field together. We share a battle that I hope you knew you weren't alone in. What did you think in your last moments? Was it off childhood, of home and friends and dirt bikes and skateboarding? Was it fear and sadness so pervasive that death was a deity? I love you, Grady. And I always will.

To my wee Scottish pal,

Somedays it feels like a million years ago that you passed away but other days it feels exactly like the actual 1889 days ago that you passed away and I can feel every moment of those 1889 days.
Every time something happens either good or bad I always want to call you or message you.

Dear Dad,

We’re all really proud of you. We really are, please don’t be sad when you overlook us from above. We know that you are looking down at us, smiling proudly…We all can see the smile, we know that you are not gone…

To My Beautiful Big Brother,

It’s been just over 8 months since you left this world. I know you thought it was the best decision at the time but you will never truly understand how much we all love you and how much we all miss you.

Dear Karl,

It has been 5 years and this month you would have been 25. After what you put me through prior to your passing, I doubt we would be friends now. You may have achieved your dream of being in medical school to become a GP, one who would listen without judgement, understand and do everything he could to help.

I don't know if I miss you but I do wish you were still alive. I miss your humour. I miss seeing you sit in the garden, smoking and feeding the sparrows. I miss how you were always so kind, so gentle, so ready to help people.

I live my life for you now. I am out of the closet, and proud. I try and help people however I can, support their dreams. No one in my life now knew you, but hopefully they know your spirit and energy through me.

To my darling Paul,

I miss you in ways even words cannot understand.

Always and forever
Your Dawn
xxx<3xxx

Dad,

This is the first new years without you, I should be stood on your balcony watching the fireworks. Instead I'm at home alone with the cats.
I know why you did it, I can't find it in myself to blame you, but even so I wish you were here still. You've already missed so much, I met Jays boyfriend, he's amazing you'd love him. They're so good for each other, you'd be so proud! I've gotten firsts in every single uni assignment this semester, I've been discussing a PhD with my favorite lecturer and he wants to take me on, you'd be so proud.
Remember one of the last times we spoke, you said you'd never have grandkids? I tried to reassure you that I wanted kids someday and I didn't realise that what you actually meant was that you wouldn't live long enough to meet them.

To My Best Friend,

We are nearing a year without you. Somehow it feels like it happened yesterday and 10 years ago all at once. It’s weird to thinks it’s closer to the 1 year mark than when it happened. Yet, I am still very much stuck in March. There is not a day that passes where I don’t wake up and think of you, where I go about my day and think of you, or where I lay down to go to sleep and think of you.

Martina

Martina, it’s coming up to a year now since you did what you did. I want you to know that I don’t resent you for it and never have. More so myself if anything. While I now know why you did it, that doesn’t mean I understand it any more. The guilt has eased but is still lingering and I know that if you were here you’d tell me to stop being an idiot and stop thinking like that but it’s just one of those things I guess. I think this is something that I’m going to just have to learn to live with for now. There is not a day that goes by where I don’t think of you, what if anything I could’ve done or said differently or how different and better everything would be if you were here right now.

Amber’s Room,

Your diary, half written but filled with completed train journeys spent travelling to friends and artists; where adding a tattoo you had designed, totally imaginative and one of a kind, was as important to you as the holy grail. The hedgehog you revived, reared and rescued; mum has taken on rearing duties now, she takes them very seriously. Your jewellery making desk with pots of silver, partly made rings and dusty gems, you have a note on your shelf ‘look for ring everywhere!!, which was located years ago but the reminder still remains, in case it happens again… Your railing of leather jackets, enough to clothe the cast of The Lost Boys with pairs of Doc Martens to match. Your dried plants and herbs hanging on the walls and stuffed in jars for making tonics for friends and family, soothing their sleep and calming their days.

The best big sister,

I have written to you every year since , all the things I would usually tell you , the things I would only go to you for . I miss your smile and your voice and how easy it was for you to light up a room. I miss the times I needed you and you were there.

Dear Mum, Dear Bro,

I am angry you left without explaining honestly how you felt and what you were considering and let us help you. I'm angry you didn't fully seek mental health support, when we could have paid.

Dear Uncle Steve

“Why you”

My heart is broken, cracked completely in two
Since hearing the devastating news about you

Ripped from my world how wrong can that be
Your exit from life in the arms of a tree

To my brother

Hi Matt, summer is finally over again and I can start to breathe again. I don’t think I can ever enjoy a summer again no matter how much I convince myself. I think everyone thinks I’m crazy as all I look forward to is Christmas! I’m so sorry I wasn’t there for you when you needed me the most.

To my Big Bro,

It's almost been 100 days since you left us. Thinking about how you must have been feeling tears me apart and keeps me awake, scared of the nightmares that come. I feel like I can't keep the people I love, safe any more.

To my Dad

I wish you could have stayed longer to meet your beautiful granddaughter and watch me step into motherhood. I see glimpses of you in Evie, and I made sure to carry on our surname proudly in her name.

Mum

I wish you'd have stayed

I wish you'd have stayed

Dear L,

It will have been 6 years since you left in December. That’s crazy, isn’t it? 6 years is a really long time, or at least to me it is.

Dad,

I’ve been questioning myself on what this letter means. Unlike most of the letters I’ve read so far I didn’t really get the chance to know you. Maybe that’s a blessing, although it never truly felt like that was the case.

To my Florist,

To my Florist,

Hi Boy,

I miss you. I’m so angry with you. But I miss you. I think my anger bubbles up because it’s easier to feel than how much I love you.

God, I would have died to take away those feelings that let you reach where you did that night.

To their daddy,

When I think about all of the different life scenarios we discussed on first dates, this was not one of them.

When I think about how you described your young life, your life progression, from Luton to law, when you told me your goals. This was not one of them.

When we found out I was pregnant and we talked about all the things we would do as parents. This was not one of them.

When we started making memories, before life became a challenge. We didn’t want this one.

When we separated and argued for months, trying to parent anyway we could. When we were trying to work out what option was best for our boys. This was not one of them.

Dear Daisy,

Life feels strange the older I get and you are still 16 years young. I often find myself thinking about the things you’re missing out on and wonder what person you’d have blossomed into.