Submission 245

Dear B,

I’m writing this as we celebrate your birthday for another year— without you. There are so many things in this life that remind me of you, trigger a memory, small or big. Suddenly my eyes fill up with tears. I cry less frequently than I did in the first year, but I can still feel my breath catch in the back of my throat when I think about you, your laugh, your shoes, the way you sat on the couch, the constant twirling of your beard, the way you fit into my life.

I have a new home, a new partner, a new job, new nieces and nephews, new friends. Lots of new things, but I still hold onto old photos and T-shirts and small moments that remind me of you. I sometimes play Greek Tragedy or some old Twin Atlantic in the car and I’m taken back 10 years ago to drives in your little blue golf. I hold onto old memories of our early 20s, memories of our youth together. Buying our first home, travelling the world. We grew up together and that is something I will never forget.

I have bad days, I have questions left unanswered but I understand no matter the answer, nothing would change. This is reality and in reality, for the rest of my life, you aren’t here.

I have learned that despite all the grief, trauma, guilt, the pain of losing you, the pain of missing you and loving you, I am resilient. I look at my life now and wonder how I actually made it here. How I survived as me without you. When I think back to those first days, those first hours, minutes, it felt like I could never have a life again. Seeing the future felt impossible. I became so many different versions of myself in this journey, changed, grew and grieved, not only you but the person I was when I was when you were here.

I wonder if you would be proud of me. What would you think of the years I’ve lived without you? I wonder what it would be like to be surrounded by your warmth just for a short moment.

I find myself missing who I was when you were here. I miss you deeply, I think about you daily. What would you do? What would you think? Would you laugh at the video I sent you?

Selfishly, I wish we had more time with you. You had so much left to do. I miss you. I love you. And I’m so sorry I didn’t see the pain you were in. I hope you knew until your last breath that I loved you.

I wish that you understand that we all loved you very much and we really, really didn’t want you to go. I wish I found you sooner so I could have loved you longer.

All my love