Submission 231

To My Best Friend,

We are nearing a year without you. Somehow it feels like it happened yesterday and 10 years ago all at once. It’s weird to thinks it’s closer to the 1 year mark than when it happened. Yet, I am still very much stuck in March.
There is not a day that passes where I don’t wake up and think of you, where I go about my day and think of you, or where I lay down to go to sleep and think of you. You are always on my mind and I can’t see that ever changing.
I got a tattoo of us, one of my favourite memories at Pride. I look at you on my arm constantly and reminisce of the best times we had but I can’t help feel the knot in my stomach when I realise they are now memories and we won’t make any more.
I’m really struggling since you left. I hope you know how much I love you. One of my biggest regrets is I wish I had responded differently when you told me how you were feeling. I think I was just a bit shocked to hear how you were feeling and thinking. I thought we would have went to the doctors together like last time, but I wish that’s not all I said and suggested. What I should have told you is how much the world would change without you here. I should have said how much I love you and am here to support you. I should have said without you here I would feel like I have nobody, even in a room full of people, because they are not you. I should have told you how much I would miss all the fun we have. I should have made you aware just how much my entire world would crumble without you here facing it with me. I should have told you that you’re stronger than the voices in your head and that they’re lying to you. You are amazing. You are handsome. You are worthy. You are accomplished. You are loved.
Some of that might have been selfish to put on you with how you were feeling but at least then it would have been said and I’d have some hope it helped you more on those darker days.
I hope you still consider me one of your best friends. I wish I could have done more to help you and make you stay here with me, as selfish as that might be.
I love you so much.
Please visit me in my dreams soon.

Love,
Bradley xxx