To the funniest person I knew,

Hey. It’s been over a year now since you left. I remember the first day we met, we instantly connected. The way you’d light up an entire room without even trying is something I’ll never forget. I remember you telling me that one day you wanted to be a singer/rapper. I hope that wherever the universe put you now, you’re living that dream. I’m so sorry that life was never fair to you. I’m sorry that I didn’t reach out more once we both went back to our homes. I still feel your light on the days where things feel so dark. I can hear you telling me to keep going. So I will. I promise, I will. And someday, when my time is up, I hope we can laugh together again. Miss you every day, kid.

Dear Grady,

I didn't get to know you very well before you died, but you've been in my head every day since. I'd like to think we'd have been friends. I remember your laughter in school and your smile. I remember watching you and your brother walk across the field together. We share a battle that I hope you knew you weren't alone in. What did you think in your last moments? Was it off childhood, of home and friends and dirt bikes and skateboarding? Was it fear and sadness so pervasive that death was a deity? I love you, Grady. And I always will.

To my wee Scottish pal,

Somedays it feels like a million years ago that you passed away but other days it feels exactly like the actual 1889 days ago that you passed away and I can feel every moment of those 1889 days.
Every time something happens either good or bad I always want to call you or message you.

Dear Karl,

It has been 5 years and this month you would have been 25. After what you put me through prior to your passing, I doubt we would be friends now. You may have achieved your dream of being in medical school to become a GP, one who would listen without judgement, understand and do everything he could to help.

I don't know if I miss you but I do wish you were still alive. I miss your humour. I miss seeing you sit in the garden, smoking and feeding the sparrows. I miss how you were always so kind, so gentle, so ready to help people.

I live my life for you now. I am out of the closet, and proud. I try and help people however I can, support their dreams. No one in my life now knew you, but hopefully they know your spirit and energy through me.

Dear L,

It will have been 6 years since you left in December. That’s crazy, isn’t it? 6 years is a really long time, or at least to me it is.

To my Florist,

To my Florist,

Dear Daisy,

Life feels strange the older I get and you are still 16 years young. I often find myself thinking about the things you’re missing out on and wonder what person you’d have blossomed into.

To my Brother,

Despite the years that have passed since you could no longer carry the weight of your sadness, l still find myself oscillating between the raw pain of losing you and the dull ache of missing you. And maybe worse than that I find every day is soaked in guilt.

Losing you felt like losing a significant part of myself - or maybe more accurately, the part of me that you were so integral to crafting became a part of me that was replaced with an angry, bereft shadow of its former self. Grief lives so permanently in my back pocket that I wonder what I’d be without it in the same way I feared what I’d be without you.

Anna,

It's the type of pain that will never end, I'Il miss you forever, my fierce friend.

Your suicide is the most difficult thing I've had to process. I don’t feel it’s my place to tell your story and I find it hard to admit that it’s part of mine.

My best friend Jon

Someone said to me that suicide doesn't remove the pain, it just moves it somewhere else and I've never felt truer words. The pain I feel that your gone is unbearable. You've left a hole in my life that can't ever be replaced. The pain I feel is so strong I don't ever think I'll stop hurting. A huge part of this pain is from the guilt I hold. The night you passed away you reached out to me like you had done so in the past. We had a unique friendship built on us both struggling and reaching out to each other. You always helped me and I always tried my best to help you. The hardest thing is that I knew how much you hurt. We had some pretty big and deep conversations, we trusted each other so much that we could be fully open.

Dear Oskar

I hope you’re at peace. After you left all I kept thinking was that I could’ve done more. So much was going on when you passed, and so much was said and done. For so long I couldn’t accept the way everything was left.

Dear Lauren,

I can’t crawl home to you, Lauren, and I think that’s the worst part. I can’t just phone you like I used to so we can just talk things through. Why does grief have to be so hard? You’re the only person I want, the only person I’d turn to, but you’re not here. So who do I turn to, my dear? Some nights, Lauren, you hardly cross my mind, even though I miss you all the time. How can that be?

My sweet girl,

How is it nearly 4 years since you left. 4 years since I last heard your voice. 4 years since I last received a message or silly Snapchat from you. 4 years since I was able to ask your advice on anything and everything. Life hasn’t been the same since you left, I don’t think it will ever be the same again. I am not the same person I was 4 years. There is a massive Ali shaped hole in my heart, there is sooooo much we need to catch up. So much has happened and I’ve had to do it without you and I just don’t think I’ll ever be okay with that. I know it’s selfish of me to say but my god I wish you had stayed, so much more that you could ever imagine.

To my best,

I miss you. All the time. I miss your loud laugh, your irritating questions and your kindness. You were the fuel that kept things moving, always keen to organise the next holiday or something fun. You challenged me when I needed it and picked me up when I was down. I miss being understood in the way you got me. I don't think I'll ever get used to you not being here. I never thought you'd be the one to go. Somedays I feel like I miss you so much I could just evaporate, other days everything just feels unbearably heavy. I flip between feeling the pressure to live life for the both of us and actually not wanting to move away from this pain in a fear it's like leaving you behind.