Submission 176

To my best,

I miss you. All the time.

I miss your loud laugh, your irritating questions and your kindness. You were the fuel that kept things moving, always keen to organise the next holiday or something fun. You challenged me when I needed it and picked me up when I was down. I miss being understood in the way you got me.

I don't think I'll ever get used to you not being here. I never thought you'd be the one to go.

Somedays I feel like I miss you so much I could just evaporate, other days everything just feels unbearably heavy.

I flip between feeling the pressure to live life for the both of us and actually not wanting to move away from this pain in a fear it's like leaving you behind.

Every good thing that has happened since and will happen is always now bittersweet. There's so much you're missing out on. I'm trying to keep everything/everyone going in the way you'd want it to, but so much has changed now that I'm just not sure how.

Twenty years of friendship and it feels like you've just ghosted me, given me the silent treatment. I can't help that selfishly, it feels like you've abandoned me. I'm lost without you. I don't know who I am anymore.

I'm so sorry I couldn't help you. I can't bear how awful you must have been feeling, and how unwell you must have been for this to happen. I know there's nothing I could have done, but I'll never not feel guilt about any of this.

I look for signs of you in everything I do and everything I see. I wish you could tell me you're ok now. I'd give anything for one last chat.

I'll never move on. I promise to look out for your loved ones always.