Submission 231
To My Best Friend,
We are nearing a year without you. Somehow it feels like it happened yesterday and 10 years ago all at once. It’s weird to thinks it’s closer to the 1 year mark than when it happened. Yet, I am still very much stuck in March. There is not a day that passes where I don’t wake up and think of you, where I go about my day and think of you, or where I lay down to go to sleep and think of you.
Submission 230
Martina
Martina, it’s coming up to a year now since you did what you did. I want you to know that I don’t resent you for it and never have. More so myself if anything. While I now know why you did it, that doesn’t mean I understand it any more. The guilt has eased but is still lingering and I know that if you were here you’d tell me to stop being an idiot and stop thinking like that but it’s just one of those things I guess. I think this is something that I’m going to just have to learn to live with for now. There is not a day that goes by where I don’t think of you, what if anything I could’ve done or said differently or how different and better everything would be if you were here right now.
Submission 229
Amber’s Room,
Your diary, half written but filled with completed train journeys spent travelling to friends and artists; where adding a tattoo you had designed, totally imaginative and one of a kind, was as important to you as the holy grail. The hedgehog you revived, reared and rescued; mum has taken on rearing duties now, she takes them very seriously. Your jewellery making desk with pots of silver, partly made rings and dusty gems, you have a note on your shelf ‘look for ring everywhere!!, which was located years ago but the reminder still remains, in case it happens again… Your railing of leather jackets, enough to clothe the cast of The Lost Boys with pairs of Doc Martens to match. Your dried plants and herbs hanging on the walls and stuffed in jars for making tonics for friends and family, soothing their sleep and calming their days.
Submission 226
Dear Uncle Steve
“Why you”
My heart is broken, cracked completely in two
Since hearing the devastating news about you
Ripped from my world how wrong can that be
Your exit from life in the arms of a tree
Submission 224
To my Big Bro,
It's almost been 100 days since you left us. Thinking about how you must have been feeling tears me apart and keeps me awake, scared of the nightmares that come. I feel like I can't keep the people I love, safe any more.
Submission 223
To my Dad
I wish you could have stayed longer to meet your beautiful granddaughter and watch me step into motherhood. I see glimpses of you in Evie, and I made sure to carry on our surname proudly in her name.
Submission 218
Hi Boy,
I miss you. I’m so angry with you. But I miss you. I think my anger bubbles up because it’s easier to feel than how much I love you.
God, I would have died to take away those feelings that let you reach where you did that night.
Submission 217
To their daddy,
When I think about all of the different life scenarios we discussed on first dates, this was not one of them.
When I think about how you described your young life, your life progression, from Luton to law, when you told me your goals. This was not one of them.
When we found out I was pregnant and we talked about all the things we would do as parents. This was not one of them.
When we started making memories, before life became a challenge. We didn’t want this one.
When we separated and argued for months, trying to parent anyway we could. When we were trying to work out what option was best for our boys. This was not one of them.
Submission 214
To my sister,
I miss you. I'm still angry. Still confused. Still wondering if it is real. It's been 7 months since the phone call I replay in my head over and over to remind me it is real or sometimes when I want to feel the pain just so I can miss you.
Submission 207
To my amazing twin brother
Taylor, I miss you so much; life will never be the same without your laugh. We’re twins, we’re meant to be in this world together, we’re meant to be the same age. But now I’m 21 and you’re still 20… I feel like I’m leaving you behind.
Submission 200
My precious friend
I hope you know how very much you were loved. I will carry you in my heart despite how painful that feels at the moment. I am beyond sad and still can't really take it in. I wish I could have been with you for longer.
Submission 193
Dear Rhys
What was it like? To experience time stop? Your funeral wasn't weird enough. They didn't play the song you told me you wanted. But I guessed that you'd picked many different songs over the years, and it wasn't for me to tell your parents what to do. They used that photo you made your profile picture a few weeks before on your order of service. I know you chose that photo. It's there forever now. The face you chose to immortalise. I had it sat on my desk for a while but ended up getting angry at it too often. Your grandmother clasped my hand when I told her who I was. Your sister said she felt proud. Your mum said she'd never get over this.I watched your dad break down crying right at the end of the night.
Submission 185
To my baby brother
It’s been almost a year without you, without your goofy smile and your silly jokes. I miss you everyday. I blame myself for not seeing any signs, for not knowing what you were going through. I wish I could’ve taken your pain away and I wish you were still here. There was so much more in life you deserved to experience.
Submission 171
Dear son
I can’t believe you are really gone from us, you have left a deep hole in all our hearts, that will never be filled. I am so sorry, as your mum, that I didn’t realise you were in so much internal pain and that you felt you couldn’t reach out and share that with us. That’s what makes me sad, that you saw no future, because you could have had a good one. From a young age, life wasn’t easy for you having a heart condition, I had lost a brother suddenly to heart failure and I didn’t cope very well emotionally, for that too, I am sorry. I am so proud of you, you turned out to be a lovely young man.
Submission 155
Mummy
I still go to call you to see how you are. I still walk into your house and expect you to be in the kitchen offering me a cup of tea. I still long for the calls to ask to have the children round for tea. I miss you more everyday and what I would give to hug you once again or hear your advice.
Submission 152
Dear Dad,
I will never understand why you decided to leave me here alone, just 5 days away from Christmas.
Submission 148
To my sweet brother
It has only been two months. Two months since our family lost your sweet soul. There are so many things I regret. I regret not asking you how you were doing everyday, ignoring some texts, and most of all I regret not seeing what you were going through. You were always smiling.
Submission 146
Dear Mom
I want you to know that I’m not angry, nor have I ever been with you since you left. All I felt was great sadness. Sadness for what you must have been feeling, for feeling so alone and for being alone in what must have been one of the hardest and darkest of moments. I don’t know if anything we could have said or done would have changed your mind, but I wish I could have been there to hold your hand through it.
I wish I could have seen the signs.
Submission 143
To my darling dearest,
You left so suddenly, without a goodbye. There's so many things I still wanted to tell you, so many things I still wanted to do with you, so many years of life I still wanted to share with you.
Just 3 days before you left this world we started looking at where to get married, with the way we were talking and our excitement I'd say we'd be married by now if you were still here. We had our jokey engagement which I'm pretty sure would've ended up being the real thing. I didn't care how we did it, the engagement, marriage, any of it.
Submission 142
To my father figure,
You told me you would always be here for me, no matter what but the darkness won
You were the father I never had and I will spend a lifetime thinking of the goodbyes I never got to say