Submission 185

To my baby brother

It’s been almost a year without you, without your goofy smile and your silly jokes. I miss you everyday. I blame myself for not seeing any signs, for not knowing what you were going through. I wish I could’ve taken your pain away and I wish you were still here. There was so much more in life you deserved to experience. For months after you left, I felt guilty for smiling or laughing because it felt wrong to be happy. Everything I was experiencing and accomplishing felt empty without you here. But, I made a promise when you left that I’d use my time to be a better person and live my life fully for you. It brings me so much joy every time I see something that reminds me of you or when someone compliments the tattoo I got for you, it’s a reminder of how great life was with you. A year ago, I was so angry with your decision to leave me without saying goodbye. But in the process of learning how to grieve, I’ve grown to understand that the choice you made was the hardest decision of your life and the intention was not to hurt us, but to heal you. And for that, you are the bravest person I have ever met. I love you so much, I’ll see you again.