Dearest Christopher

Five years, two months and two weeks. The love, loss, guilt and anger I feel will be with me until I draw my last breath.

To my beautiful son,

The day you decided you couldn't live anymore with the pain and thoughts in your head, was the day part of me died too. I will forever ask why and although I'm told that it wasn't my fault, I blame myself for what you did.

Dear J.J

What can I say? Three years have passed since you left us. Yes we’ve done our best to stay strong as you wrote in your note. Life has not been easy, it’s been easier to talk about you but the tears still flow. We have raised money for suicide prevention awareness. We struggle whenever our routine changes or life throws us a curveball. Our resilience is not what it used to be. Dad has been researching philosophy in the hope of finding an answer. It’s taken it’s toll on him. We love and miss you as much as ever.

Dear Chris

Chris, can’t tell you how much I miss you and miss your love and hugs. You did suffer from a little boy after being assaulted by that boy causing huge problems for you. The OCD took over. I wish I could’ve done more to help and relieve you. I miss your bear hugs and your visits with Winnie. Don’t know how the covid lockdown would’ve been for you. I hope you would’ve come home. I dream of you a lot and imagine you looking down with dogs and other animals around you. Can’t think of never seeing you again.

Dear Adrian

Hi Adrian, it is that time of year when we should be celebrating your birthday. The 27th September 1984 is when you arrived into the world and the 7th April 2019 is when we lost you. You are thought about and missed everyday.

Dear son

I can’t believe you are really gone from us, you have left a deep hole in all our hearts, that will never be filled. I am so sorry, as your mum, that I didn’t realise you were in so much internal pain and that you felt you couldn’t reach out and share that with us. That’s what makes me sad, that you saw no future, because you could have had a good one. From a young age, life wasn’t easy for you having a heart condition, I had lost a brother suddenly to heart failure and I didn’t cope very well emotionally, for that too, I am sorry. I am so proud of you, you turned out to be a lovely young man.

To my brilliant son Lee

Hello beautiful boy, it’s been so long since I’ve been able to hold you tight little man, but of course you’re a big grown up man now. I bet you’re much taller than Dad nowadays.

Dear Imran

The day we lost you I remember letting you sleep in!! That's what I thought until I realised what had happened. I miss you so much my heart aches for you. I remember smelling your clothes as I wanted to keep the smell of you with me forever.

Darling boy

It’s been four months and eight days since that summers day in August when you left us behind.

The days don’t get easier I wish I could say they did but they don’t well at least not for me.

To My Darling Boy

Your death has no explanation, all I know for sure is that I will never see your beautiful blue eyes, feel your huge hugs or hear your voice again.

Dear Tom

I was not ready to let you go. I’m not angry with you, how could do I be.

You were the the light of my my life the laughter in my heart, always being daft yet intelligent.

Dear Ryan

Its only been 3 months, 1 week and 1 day since I last held you, heard your voice and said I love you son. Life is unbearable with out you.

My baby

My beautiful baby, I am so sorry that you felt that much pain,I am so sorry that you gave up when you had so much potential . I would have made it all go away , I always did and always would.

My Darling,

I am so very sorry for letting you down. I didn’t see the pain you were in. You ask for forgiveness but you don’t need to be forgiven, it is I who needs forgiveness. I have let you down.I was the one person who you should have been able to talk to. The one person you should have been able to be open with. But I failed, I failed to have the openness between us that would have let you be able to open up to me.I miss you every minute of everyday.

Dear Loz,

I didn't think I'd make it through this past year. Losing you has blown a hole in our family. It has blown a hole in my heart. I don't think you could possibly have understood the devastation we feel that you are not here with us. And no matter how many times people tell me it wasn't my fault, I still feel so guilty. I'm your mum, how could I not? I still relive that last week, every moment, wishing with all my heart there was a way to change what happened.

J.J

Just over 2 years have passed since you left us. There’s been so much you’ve missed getting your degree which your university still sent out, meeting your new nephew and seeing your other niece and nephew start new schools.

Beautiful Duncan,

My Darling Duncan, OH how I miss you,I am broken, there are no answers and I will always ask why.Your brother says when we meet again, to you it will be seconds but to us it will feel forever and I won't even care Why you left I will just be so pleased to be with you again.

Hi Sweetpea,

The sun is out and has been for a few days. You should be sunbathing on your balcony with Freddie on your lap and a beer in your hand.

Dear Anton,

It’s now been 2 years, 3 months and 25 days since you left us. This seems surreal, and very hard to take in. Certainly, the pain of losing you has not ebbed during that time, but remains as fresh as the day we heard that most terrible news, the news that our beautiful boy had gone.

In those early days, weeks, months, even the first 2 years, shock was an ally.

Christian,

I love you so much, I'm so sorry that your pain was too much to bear. I do understand though. I understand that you felt you couldn't go on in this way, that there was no way forward. I feel it was a perfect storm...feeling down, leaving your love because, if you disliked yourself so much how could you love another. Then leaving your job, your career. Looking for a way to help yourself, help find yourself through yoga, then the pandemic and your dreams were squashed. Isolation, terrible loneliness then starting treatment. Drugs, inpatient stays.

Even in your darkest moments you thought of us all. How did you do that, I'll always be baffled by that. You dug so deeply. So unselfish.

To my beautiful Elizabeth,

I miss you so much. More than I can begin to say.I am so sorry you couldn't come to me and talk, but I see that you didn't want to.

Dear Hana,

Mommy misses you so much. I love you so much. I haven’t been able to write to you before this, because it’s too hard. My body aches and my heart hurts every day without you on this earth.

Dear Ross,

It’s impossible to describe how much I miss you.

I’m so, so sorry I wasn’t there with you at the end. There’s so much I would like to say but I hope that though you are no longer here that somehow you will know how much you were loved and are still loved.

With all my heart I hope you found peace. We are trying to do as you asked campaigning for improvements in mental health services. Only now do I fully appreciate how much those improvements are needed.

Dear Jordan,

As I write this letter to you son, it’s been 30 months since that fateful day. I remember the call I received from Charlotte as if it was yesterday. I also often think of those moments when she came home to find you and how with the assistance of Jan and Simon your neighbours they tried desperately to save you, probably knowing it was already too late.

The weeks and months of trauma which followed have become vaguer memories for me now and replaced by a general sadness whenever I think of you, which is every quiet moment of every day.

Daniel,

I will never understand why everything I did to help you wasn't enough to keep you here. I am sorry you had to battle mental illness. It is not fair for you and others that have to deal with your thoughts every day. I hate mental illness. You grow up happy with goals and dreams, then BAM! Mental illness enters your world and all of those go out the window.

To my darling daughter, my beautiful daughter Kiera,

I sit with my hands on the laptop, the one you bought me. Not sure where to start. I always knew I loved you, adored you. But your absence for the past 15 months has made me realise a lot of things about you, that in the fog that was our world back then, I didn't see so clearly. 

Dear Jack,

The day you decided to gain your Angel wings was the day my world as I knew it ended, my heart hasn’t beaten the same since nor will it ever again. You were and will always be my first true love, my first born too excited to wait, you came 5 weeks early just in time for Christmas.

My Son,

I lost my youngest son to suicide, 27th August 2016. When the country was celebrating August Bank Holiday we as a family were grieving the death of my son. He had just turned 30yrs old, July 27th 2016.

My dearest darling son Cal,

My heart is aching and hurting I miss you so much, life will just never be right. I miss everything about you, your scent, touch, hugs, kindness, support, kind blue eyes, your humour, our chats whilst sharing a spliff. You understand my own challenges in life. We flew as if we are on the same plane.

To our precious Benji,

Miss you with every breath that I take and will until my last. It breaks my heart that you aren’t here and won’t have your ‘happy ending’ that you so deserved.

Some days seem impossible to bear without you and yet I must, for Ell, Lill and Ria. I listen to your voice on videos, and see your smiling face looking back but I know that you hurt so much.