Submission 37

Daniel,

I will never understand why everything I did to help you wasn't enough to keep you here. I am sorry you had to battle mental illness. It is not fair for you and others that have to deal with your thoughts every day. I hate mental illness. You grow up happy with goals and dreams, then BAM! Mental illness enters your world and all of those go out the window. I know you struggled that last 3 years, at a level that I will never understand. I tell myself you stayed longer than you wanted to because you cared about our family. I know you really tried.

Some days I feel selfish for wanting you here still. I'm glad you are not suffering anymore, but I really miss your sweet and caring soul. I am thankful for the 21 years of memories made with you. I wish I could have done more. Some days I feel like I let you down. I know God has you and you are with grandma. I get signs all the time. I haven't gone through a lot of your items yet. Not sure when I will be able to. I have the sculpture puzzles you put together still intact. Not sure what to do with them. Can't take them apart. I made a copy of the pyramid art piece you created (my fave!) and framed it. Donated it to a mental health organization. They are going to hang it in a coffee shop then sell it. The funds will go to help others.

I go to therapy; my faith has gotten stronger in helping me. I read this today and liked it: I have learned to focus on the 95% of parenting I did right and not dwell on the 5% that I did imperfectly because I am human. That means I will not ignore the beautiful life you had with us before it got dark and even the sparks of happiness tucked away in those chaotic last three years of your life. The other thing that helps me is John Chapter 14 from the Bible. There is a verse that says, "if you love me, be happy for me because I am at peace". I know that you are at peace, and that does make me happy. You deserve to be okay.

Love and miss you always! Mom #foreverdanielsmom #advocatelikeamother