Submission 17

Dear Jack,

The day you decided to gain your Angel wings was the day my world as I knew it ended, my heart hasn’t beaten the same since nor will it ever again. You were and will always be my first true love, my first born too excited to wait, you came 5 weeks early just in time for Christmas.

Fast forward 15 years, I did not know the depth of struggles and torment you felt so deeply, I asked “you’re not going to do anything daft are you?” - “am I eck mum” you said. What I SHOULD have said was “are you thinking of ending your life?”

But I didn’t and I think you would have given me the same answer anyway.

You didn’t want me to hurt but have hurt me in the most devastating way. It does not change the love I feel for you and it never will. I admire you and think you are the bravest person I know. I miss hearing you laughing with your mates whilst playing on the Xbox, teasing your little sister and jumping out on me, scaring me and finding it hilarious.

I miss what could’ve been, you would be 18 this year, perhaps driving now, taking you little sister to McDonalds like you said you would do. We miss you so much and think of you all the time. I’m not very good with words, but I don’t think there are any to express just how much I miss and love you. I’m your mum, I should have known your torment but you protecting me meant I couldn’t protect you.

I hope you are at peace my beautiful boy, everyday I live is a day closer to you I get.

Please look over us, and guide us through this living sadness until we are together again.

Love you always, to the moon and back.

Mum xxx