Submission 16

Dear E,

I shouted at you a lot yesterday and I'm sorry.

We were driving over a bridge, it had fresh flowers and Samaritans phone numbers on. My stomach just dropped through the floor of the car and I was crying because people had lost "their" E.

And then I was just so angry at you because I don't want to know what it feels like for them to lose their E. Equally I don't want them to now be going through all the same horrific days I am, because I lost my E.

I know you didn't hurt anyone, you didn't choose it...when I'm angry at you I'm NOT even angry at YOU?

I'm angry at the lack of you.

I'm angry at the fact mental illness had the NERVE to take you.

I'm angry that I still don't know if there was just SOMETHING I could have done because I know that'll haunt me for life, and it makes me scared of who else I might lose, and the fact you never know when someone is going.

So I'm sorry, I wasn't shouting at you, I was shouting with you, about you, for you, because of the lack of you, because of the uncertainty of grief, because of an uncontrollable world.

Love you E xx