Submission 22

To my darling daughter, my beautiful daughter Kiera,

I sit with my hands on the laptop, the one you bought me. Not sure where to start. I always knew I loved you, adored you. But your absence for the past 15 months has made me realise a lot of things about you, that in the fog that was our world back then, I didn't see so clearly. 

I see now, what a gift you were, your heart was so big, so giving, you cared so much about me and other people, always giving, thinking of others. You didn't want to hurt anyone, in fact you never did, and if you upset anyone you said sorry. Your smile was like a beacon and as you smiled your eyes lit up like dazzling orbs, almost pulsing with beauty. I look at your photos constantly, you were and are just gorgeous. I want to thank you for the time I had with you, it was only 28 years, I'd expected longer, took it as a given, but it wasn't to be, and I have to cherish what I had, and be thankful I ever had it. I imagine sometimes the things we would have done, remember we were talking about going to China, maybe cycling? Although the cycling was more my idea than yours! I wonder what we would have done in the end?! I miss you. Miss our chats, about life, the boys, your dad, the dogs, what you were going to do next. I miss picking you up in the car and then as you got into the car, I miss leaning over and kissing your forehead. I'd say 'How are you?' and you'd give me that big smile and say 'I'm good.' I miss that. I miss buying you that revolting sugar substitute you used to want packets of. Miss you sitting in your chair on Sundays surgically removing the beautiful crusts from my roast potatoes before eating them, and how I miss you standing in the kitchen by my side, adding things to the food, picking at it as it cooked, helping me, just how precious those times were. When I look back at my photos of you and I, I smile, we were always side by side, no matter how many people were in the pictures, there you and I were. I think I got support from you and you from me, without us even saying anything it was just there, I miss you by my side darling, miss you so much. You'd be 30 this year, imagine that, I wonder what you would be up to? I would like to think you'd have got over and through your relapses, would be past them and once again on the straight and narrow, exploring the new world that was just opening up. 

I look back and realise how brave you were and what a fighter. I feel as if you were being hunted by a pack of wolves night and day and for years you fought it, I could have lost you years ago is the reality, but you battled on, the strength that must have taken. I know a lot of the fighting was for me, you didn't want to hurt me, knew how much I loved you, and I want to thank you for that. My time with you could have been shorter but it was longer because of your strength, I can't tell you how proud I am of you for fighting so hard for so long. 

I love you darling daughter. I'm learning a new way of living. It's not what I wanted but as there's no choice I will have to learn. But what I hold onto dearly is that I will see you soon. I am not even the blink of an eye in the bigger scheme of things, and before I know it my time will come, and I will see you again and will hold you and never let you go, and I look forward to that so much. In the meantime, please be happy where you are, I'm sure you have had some adjustments to make too! I like to think you are at peace now, but also able to be happy and yourself, I imagine you shooting around the sky at night dancing and spiralling, and I think of you with grandad, I know he'll be taking good care of you. Do you remember that little wiggle dance you used to do when the boys weren't looking, I can still see you doing that, how I miss that.

Take care my darling daughter, all my love until we meet again.

Mum xx