Submission 21

Shane,

I am writing this letter because I feel it is time to share with you and others all the questions and emotions that for such a long time I was searching for and felt were always unanswered.

By unapologetically letting my pen be my honesty and the paper my vulnerability, I hope to try and understand how a single three letter word can still hold so much power over me, which is "WHY"?

I have been frozen within that one fateful night and whilst everything and everyone around me continued to move and evolve, I was forever paused in time.

The feeling of entrapment within my own regret and being lost in what felt like purgatory because of my inhabilitating guilt that I had failed you. Even worse was wondering if that is how you felt? Do you think I failed you?

Why, if only, could of, should of and did I do enough constantly consuming my every thought. Feeling shame for finding it easier to write the word suicide than actually say it out loud because then it felt even more real.

You were my super hero, my protective big brother and one of the strongest people I know so how can this actually be happening. How did I not know how you were feeling? Why did you never feel you could come to me? How did things get so bad so quickly? Were you sad for a long time? Could I of made a difference? Did I not cross your mind? Did you know how much we love you? Where are you now? Are you happy?

I feel selfish for asking such questions because you are now in a peaceful and resting place without making this all about me. Me wanting to try and understand something that you unfortunately could never understand yourself.

They say time is a great healer which is no comfort when time no longer exists. I am stuck with unanswered questions and unable to fill in the blanks to help me understand what actually happened within your final moments on earth.

Do I want to heal once time starts moving again? Why should I get to feel better? Surely I should be suffering just like you did! How can I contemplate trying to enjoy life? That would be selfish and undeserving. I should feel guilty for the split seconds I am distracted and do not have you in my head. How could I contemplate excepting this help from others or even worse forgive myself for actually wanting to. I cannot be happy or smile as that will be an insult to you and your memory.

All these words I have wanted to share with you for so long but I was trapped in trying to keep your memory alive by me being non existent in life as I felt that was my punishment. I now know this emotion to be completely normal and I am not loosing my mind by wanting to move forward and focus on the good times and not just the bad.

Time is something now that does move and does heal. I am happy and content with not knowing why because it is a question that does not need answering any longer. It will never bring you back or change the way I feel about you. I will love you no matter what.

I now have grown to understand that you never chose suicide, it was an act of despair when everything seemed hopeless. You never died by suicide because you did not want to live, you died because you were trying to find relief from unbearable pain.

We are brother and sister with the fondest memories of our childhood and the adventures we shared will last a lifetime.

This is not goodbye as my inks starts to run dry but me wanting to let the light in and see all the beautiful things that you loved about life. Otherwise what was it all for? I will be taking you with me on this new journey of life and continuing all the adventures we talked about.

It is time to let your light shine bright forever and all the dandelions glow yellow and vast.
Shane you will always be in my present, my future and forever cherished in our beautiful past.

Till we meet again,
your loving sister Melanie xxxx