Submission 85
Dear Loz,
I didn't think I'd make it through this past year. Losing you has blown a hole in our family. It has blown a hole in my heart. I don't think you could possibly have understood the devastation we feel that you are not here with us. And no matter how many times people tell me it wasn't my fault, I still feel so guilty. I'm your mum, how could I not? I still relive that last week, every moment, wishing with all my heart there was a way to change what happened.
I'm sorry, sunshine. I'm sorry you felt so alone, so hopeless. I'm sorry beyond words that you didn't feel you could tell anyone, not even me. I would have done anything for you. I told you time and time again, but it just didn't cut through your pain, did it? I hope you are 'somewhere', and that you now understand how loved you have always been. I carried you for 9 months Loz, before you were born. I'll carry you in my heart and soul for the rest of my life.
I'm trying, though, to live. We all are. Trying to think of your life, your personality, not just your death. Trying to reach out to others, those who feel like you did, as well as those who have known the pain we do. Trying to hold to account those we feel failed you. Trying to tell your story, to ensure your name, and your all too brief 17 years, will never be forgotten.
We've arranged all kinds of things to remember you in a physical way, in the places special to you. A plaque at Lord's, a bench with the wolves, and one at the cricket club too. I bring you flowers all the time. I think of you in every sunset. I've even co-published a piece of music!
It's not enough, but it's what I can do. Your life touched so many - friends, teachers, your online community, all of us in your family. Even my work colleagues! You never were a burden, you always belonged. My heart breaks again and again that you didn't realise it. That hole in my heart, in our family, will never be filled. I miss you every single day, and the rest of my life without you feels far, far too long. But I will try to live for both of us, and the love I have for you will be my strength.
Mum xxxxx