Submission 75
Beautiful Duncan,
My Darling Duncan, OH how I miss you, I am broken, there are no answers and I will always ask why.Your brother says when we meet again, to you it will be seconds but to us it will feel forever and I won't even care Why you left I will just be so pleased to be with you again.
Some days that just doesn't happen soon enough and then I feel bad that I will be leaving your beautiful brother and how might that effect his life, he has already gone through the most horrendous thing ever, he says he has lost the best brother.I am continually anxious how he is. The first days I remember were all of disbelief, couldn't eat, sleep and kept thinking it was all a dream and I would wake up and you would be there with that wonderful smile, sense of fun, teasing and full of mischief, how had it come to this,Now in 6 days time it will be 6 years, and whilst some days are almost manageable, the nightmare remains and my questions start.You surely know how much I love you, how much you are missed.I did not know you were feeling this way and if you had only called to say you needed me I would of been there, your friends are heart broken asking why you didnt let them know and what a great friend you are.You had everything planned, finish your degree, do a masters and work in Canada, saying you would be earning enough to pay for me to go over and stay, your tutors say that they have no concerns about you, your work said that you are a hard worker, they and the customers like you.The rugby and cricket club say what a great team player, and such fun.I miss your, fun, your voice, smell, dirty sports kit, teasing, calling me anything from penny, mum, mumsie, mother, ma. Living is hard, everything aches, mini accidents happen, bump into things, drop things, drive too fast, fall over fresh air, stay up too late, eat rubbish, watch the same safe tv, nothing new that might have some sort of risky content.
Have had numerous sessions with counsellors, tried anti depressants(they are terrible making me feel worse)tried hypnotherapy, CBT, nothing though can bring you back and after all thats all I want.My Darling Duncan when I look to the moon I send you lots of love and think that you will be seeing it too as your brother will be, it brings us closer.whatever happened I am so sorry that you didn't ask for help,I am so sorry if I did or didn't do something,I am so sorry if someone wasn't nice or things were not easy, I am so sorry that you felt this was your only option,I hope you know how much we love and miss you, I Love you in all the world, always have always will.
Mum xxx