Submission 64

Christian,

I love you so much, I'm so sorry that your pain was too much to bear. I do understand though. I understand that you felt you couldn't go on in this way, that there was no way forward. I feel it was a perfect storm...feeling down, leaving your love because, if you disliked yourself so much how could you love another. Then leaving your job, your career. Looking for a way to help yourself, help find yourself through yoga, then the pandemic and your dreams were squashed. Isolation, terrible loneliness then starting treatment. Drugs, inpatient stays.

Even in your darkest moments you thought of us all. How did you do that, I'll always be baffled by that. You dug so deeply. So unselfish. As a 12 year old your favourite books were 'A Series of Unfortunate Events', that is what I feel happened in your life Christian.

You were so passionate, hating perceived wrong doings and always looking out for the underdog. So sensitive, but sometimes finding it hard to show this side of you to us.

You are with us, always, in everything we do, in every empty chair next to us. You told me that we would 'get over it'. If only your depression hadn't given you this warped perception. I am so grateful that you let me hold you, that you knew how much you were loved. We understand. We know you are at peace. We will be together again. We love you with all our heart. I'm so sorry I couldn't save you Christian. I was weekend by the exhaustion of trying to keep you with us for months. If only we could turn back the clock.

Sweet dreams xxxxxxx