Dad,

This is the first new years without you, I should be stood on your balcony watching the fireworks. Instead I'm at home alone with the cats.
I know why you did it, I can't find it in myself to blame you, but even so I wish you were here still. You've already missed so much, I met Jays boyfriend, he's amazing you'd love him. They're so good for each other, you'd be so proud! I've gotten firsts in every single uni assignment this semester, I've been discussing a PhD with my favorite lecturer and he wants to take me on, you'd be so proud.
Remember one of the last times we spoke, you said you'd never have grandkids? I tried to reassure you that I wanted kids someday and I didn't realise that what you actually meant was that you wouldn't live long enough to meet them.

Dear Mum, Dear Bro,

I am angry you left without explaining honestly how you felt and what you were considering and let us help you. I'm angry you didn't fully seek mental health support, when we could have paid.

To my Dad

I wish you could have stayed longer to meet your beautiful granddaughter and watch me step into motherhood. I see glimpses of you in Evie, and I made sure to carry on our surname proudly in her name.

Mum

I wish you'd have stayed

I wish you'd have stayed

Dad,

I’ve been questioning myself on what this letter means. Unlike most of the letters I’ve read so far I didn’t really get the chance to know you. Maybe that’s a blessing, although it never truly felt like that was the case.

To my Dad

It has been one year, two months, and 25 days since you left us. There hasn't been a single one of those where I haven't thought about you, about why you did this, about what I could have done to change things.

Of course the answer is I couldn't.

Dad,

I don’t think I will ever really be ok without you here. I have a hole in my heart that will never be filled - not with all the money, love, friends or fun in the world, and I am so very sorry I didn’t realise how much you mean to me sooner. I will never forgive myself for that.

Dear Dad,

I have spent most of the last 5 years thinking about what I would say to you if I could. We did not say enough to each other when you were still here. I thought I had time. I miss seeing you every weekend and Sundays are still hard for me sometimes.

It’s been over a year.

As we approach the 2nd Christmas without you I am trying so hard to remember all the things that made Christmas so lovely growing up. Was it the tree, was it waiting for Father Christmas, was it the presents? And as I think about these things I realise that it was your love that made any celebration special. We really miss you. I just hope I get to see you again one day. My son misses you and talks about you often. My daughter doesn't remember but we will keep your memory alive I promise. And I see you in her a lot!!

Mum

I miss you, the world isn't the same without you in it. Although a year has passed I still feel like someone will tell me that they got it wrong, you aren't gone and you'll walk in that door again. I used to wonder why we hadn't been enough to stay, but now in my better moments I have such clarity of your love, how your actions were out of a desire to protect us and how cruel your mind was being to you that it didn't let you see any other way out.

Dear Dad

Losing you 4 days before Christmas completely turned my life upside down. Knowing that you called me and asked me a bunch of questions, and kept asking if I was okay… knowing now that you were trying to decide if I would survive… it’s a heart break that I’ll never get over.

Dear Dad

It is thirty years since you took your life, and I am finally “coming to terms with it” if that is ever possible. I was ten and had not seen you for five years. You have always been a distant yet integral part of my life. I recall your sister coming to my house and speaking with Mum at the front door. Later that day Mum told me that you had died, but not how. I did not know how to process this moment so the first thing I asked was if I could go and play with my friends. I seem to have repressed all the memories of our time together, except one. You and Mum had separated, and you were looking after me and we were in a shop, we had just left, and a security guard came running down the street. He stopped and searched you and discovered a bottle of Whiskey you had stolen. We then went back to the shop and the police were called and we were escorted in a police car to the station. I recall a female police officer showing me around the station whilst they interviewed you.

Dad

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think of you. Almost four years since you lost your battle and I still search for you in the supermarket and file through the memories etched in my brain. I can’t escape the gut wrenching feeling of missing you. I can physically feel my heartstrings tug when I think of what I’ll achieve without you there to watch me.

Dear Dad,

I miss you so much it hurts. I am going through such an exciting time in my life at the moment which has allowed me to reflect on my own thoughts and emotions. Whilst I am super happy and grateful to be experiencing what I am, there is just a constant thought in the back of my head of ‘I wish I could tell my dad what’s happening.’

Dear Pa,

It's been over a year now since you decided to leave us, and one question that follows me around is: If you could feel the pain in me now, would you have still done it? Your demons were so bad I think you still would have, and that haunts me.

To the man who took me under his wing when I needed a father the most,

So many questions of why. Why now? Why ever? Why didn't you read my message that morning? Why weren't we enough for you to keep fighting?

Dad

As a child losing a parent to suicide, I feel as though my default setting is guilt and that I could have done more. I'm so sorry you had to go through what you did.

To my most precious Dad

How strange it feels to write that after all this time, that makes me ache. It has been 16 years, almost to the day, since you left. I used to write you letters constantly after you died, did you ever read them?

Dear Dad,

It has taken me a while to conjure up the courage to write this letter. There is not a day that I don't think about you, and I speak to you in my head each and every day. I want you to know that I'm not angry nor have I been since you left us. All I have felt is incredible sadness. For what you must have been feeling. For what could have been, and for all the moments you are missing. I am sad about the time wasted and the moments I could have been softer with you. I feel heartbroken that you aren't here to experience life when you were so full of life until it all got hard. I don't know if there is anything I could have done to change your mind, but I wish I could have been there to hold your hand. I wish I could have better noticed the signs and supported you.

Mummy

I still go to call you to see how you are. I still walk into your house and expect you to be in the kitchen offering me a cup of tea. I still long for the calls to ask to have the children round for tea. I miss you more everyday and what I would give to hug you once again or hear your advice.

Dear Dad,

I will never understand why you decided to leave me here alone, just 5 days away from Christmas.

Dear Dad

I lost you when I was too young to comprehend why you were gone. A seven year old girl had to grow up too fast and knew too much darkness way too young. The word suicide shouldn’t have meant anything to me, but it meant everything.

Dear Mom

I want you to know that I’m not angry, nor have I ever been with you since you left. All I felt was great sadness. Sadness for what you must have been feeling, for feeling so alone and for being alone in what must have been one of the hardest and darkest of moments. I don’t know if anything we could have said or done would have changed your mind, but I wish I could have been there to hold your hand through it.

I wish I could have seen the signs.

To my father figure,

You told me you would always be here for me, no matter what but the darkness won

You were the father I never had and I will spend a lifetime thinking of the goodbyes I never got to say

To my daddy,

I miss you so much. 8 years without you and my heart hurts.

I have a dad shaped hole in my life but you are my biggest inspiration and I am trying to help people like you. I have done so much over the last 8 years and I would have loved to have had you there with me. But everything I do, you are in my thoughts and I carry your love and strength with me everyday.

You were an amazing man and I will ensure nobody ever forgets the kind, gentle and caring man that taught me so much.

Dad,

It’s taken me a little while to have the courage to write this letter.

In my head I talk to you every day, but somehow having to summarise the last eight years without you didn’t seem possible.

Dear Dad,

It’s been 17 years without you now and some things become easier and some become harder. People say the pain never lessens but it does, the rough waves just become further apart and there is more time to breathe before the next one crashes.

Dad,

Well this is what you chose. I hope in the end you felt you had made the right choice and that it wasn’t too painful.

To My Darling Daddio,

Nothing in the world could've prepared me for losing you, ever. Losing you to suicide was something I never saw coming and ultimately would never ever be ready for.

Dad,

It’s been 16 years since you left us, and yet sometimes it still feels just like yesterday. I go through stages of being ashamed of still grieving, then other times I am more gentle with myself and accepting that I will probably grieve forever.