Submission 174

Dear Pa,

It's been over a year now since you decided to leave us, and one question that follows me around is:
If you could feel the pain in me now, would you have still done it?
Your demons were so bad I think you still would have, and that haunts me.

It's so sad, I'm so sad. I have a burning hole in me now that was ripped open by you leaving us. That last phone call with you follows me and if I had the chance again I wouldn't have hung up, I wouldn't have left you.
I didn't know how to cope with your illness at the time, I was so scared for you and didn't know how to help. You were my parent and always so strong and fun and loving and I didn't know what to do, I'm so sorry if I wasn't there the way you needed me to be.

You were so loved, so adored, and such a giant soul. I can't imagine you doing what you did to yourself, yet I see it all the time. The image follows me around and shows itself when I least expect it. The waves of grief are so intense and come crashing down so hard, they are so frequent and my brain feels heavy and chaotic and sometimes I don't know how to cope.

I'm going travelling for a whole year soon, what I would give to FaceTime you in different places and tell you all about it, but instead I will look for you in every star and think of you in every sun rise.

I miss you Pa, my heart aches for you and I'm desperately sorry it was all too much for you. Your hat now hangs on my wall and every time I see it I imagine you somewhere better than this world, glass of wine in hand and hearing your great big booming laugh.

Love you always,
CB