Submission 173

To my baby brother,

I love you.

It's coming on eleven years since your death. I miss you. I miss who you were, the sarcasm, the jokes. You were the only person in the world who found everything as ridiculous as me. I've never found anyone to match your wit.

I also miss who you could have been. You were so young when you died. I don't know who you would have been now. I'm 35 now and you're 22. We were always less than two years apart. Now there's a whole generation between us.

I have two girls, I tell them about you. I call you uncle. I know you would have found them so funny. I'm sure they would have laughed at you too.

I talk to you. Theres a green chair in the corner of the room, in my mind you sit there. Do you hear me? I beg you to intervene sometimes like you're a god. Not quite real, but with so much power.

You really broke me. I know I'm ok, I know I'm strong. I have had good days and light in my life since you died and I'm looking forward to the rest of it.

But my life is before you and after you and the disconnect between those two people. I miss her too.

Most of all, I'm so sad you died alone and in pain. I sit with that the most. I don't have happy memories of you, every time I think of you I think of your death. It defined you, in my mind, more than anything else you achieved. I hope one day to move past this.

I left you behind and I'm sorry. I should have been your mum and swooped you up in my arms and taken you with me.

I often wonder if time travel existed what I would do. If I wasn't allowed to save you. I'd go find you in that bar the night you died and have a drink and tell you, how loved you are.

I often wonder if time travel existed what I would do. If I wasn't allowed to save you. I'd go find you in that bar the night you died and have a drink and tell you, how loved you are.

All things must pass brother x