Submission 158

Dear Dad,

It has taken me a while to conjure up the courage to write this letter. There is not a day that I don't think about you, and I speak to you in my head each and every day. I want you to know that I'm not angry nor have I been since you left us. All I have felt is incredible sadness. For what you must have been feeling. For what could have been, and for all the moments you are missing. I am sad about the time wasted and the moments I could have been softer with you. I feel heartbroken that you aren't here to experience life when you were so full of life until it all got hard. I don't know if there is anything I could have done to change your mind, but I wish I could have been there to hold your hand. I wish I could have better noticed the signs and supported you.

Losing you at 25 and during my first year of medical school was so difficult. I needed and wanted you more than anything. It wasn't supposed to be this way. Big days have come and gone without you here. Life and time marched on, as they do. But you are frozen in time in my pictures. I hold so close to the little things I have left of you in my mind. I try to let go of the pain, but no matter how much I let go, it has held onto me. You were supposed to be here. When my days grew dark, you were supposed to be there. People tell me you can see me. They tell me you are always with me. But you are not. You are gone. I know they mean well. But you are gone.

I want you to know I forgive you. I know that suicide is multifaceted and that there is nothing to forgive you for, as you didn't ask to feel the way you felt. I wish you could have let go of the mountain of blame you laid on yourself and worked through your struggles. Sometimes I can't tell how or what I feel about you. Sometimes I can. Sometimes it is grief. Sometimes it is anger. Sometimes it is pity and sadness. Maybe the worst thing I ever felt was numbness. The worst was when, after losing you, I felt what I imagine you felt—like a burden. But with support and time, I have crawled out of the darkness which almost destroyed me too.

I will never understand why you chose to leave. Life has its ups and downs, but I wish you were here for all of it. I've spent significant time searching for why you took your own life. But I've come to accept that I'll never actually know why. One thing will never be in question, though – I love you. Even when I felt like I hated you, I loved you. I love you for all the times that you didn't love yourself. I wish you knew how loved you were and how many people depended on your simple presence. Your presence alone was enough to keep us all afloat. You were enough, and I wish more than anything that you knew that.

I don't know if I will ever fully recover from your loss. Your absence buzzes in the background; sometimes, it buzzes a bit louder, and I must take a minute. Other times it is so faint that I forget what has happened, which scares me. You were my dad, confidant, and best friend. I can't count how many times I have gone to dial your number. Life’s junctures and milestones have come and gone, and you are the first person I want to call whenever something happens. So many patient and medicine stories I'd love to tell you because you relished in my experiences more than anybody. You understood me. You kept me on track. Without you, I often feel lost, but here we are.

In the wake of your death, I had to manage everything. I coordinated all of the admin, and no one tells you how much admin there is in death. No one tells you how difficult it is to manage a deceased estate from overseas during COVID. I hope you appreciate that, as you know how daft I am in anything admin related. I immediately got to work and went into survival mode. It is where I have remained for the past year and a half. It is a process, but I am embracing it. I keep my head down and try to get through each day. I just take everything day by day.

No matter what happens, I am here. I have gone on without you because I had to. I spent a long time erroneously thinking that if I did not let the grief of your loss consume me, I would have forgotten about you. Some recent changes have woken me up. I finally understand that that is not what you would have wanted. I have recently permitted myself to let go of the worst of it to the best of my ability and to walk forward bravely in your absence. I had to for my own salvation. I want you to know that even though I'm not the same person I was before you left, I am doing okay. And recently - I'm doing good.

One positive that has come out of this is the resilience and problem-solving ability that I have developed and am still growing into. You taught me how to commit and work hard. Because of that, there isn't anything I cannot face. Some days are more complicated, but I always get through it. Nothing can change what has happened, nothing can take us back in time, and nothing can bring you back. You are no longer with us, and I hope you are at peace even though I find that so incredibly difficult to accept.

When I look back at how far I have come over the past year and a half, I can't help but feel that you have been there with me every step. Every lesson I have learned, every struggle and misstep, every win, every loss, and every milestone. I have felt you there, and I hope you would be proud of me for where I am standing today. The consistent thing that people tell me is that I am resilient, for whatever that is worth as I don’t feel it. But I can't help but think it is solely because of you.

I know I have made numerous mistakes and done some things you would be ashamed of, but I am learning and attempting to develop into a woman you would be proud to call your daughter. I am learning to live with my new scars, which is the only way forward. I am trying to accept the struggles and pain and not resist change. I am trying to sit with my suffering and feel my full range of emotions. I am healing and letting go and learning to embrace self-love. I am building new habits to move forward and create a healthy future.

It is scary that life gets back on track after your loss and this monumental experience, and people start to forget and move on, but that is how it must be. The show must go on. I must go on and achieve what I set out to do. But I sure do miss having you here as my number-one cheerleader.

I think a lot about who you were, not just as a parent but as a person. I don't know a single person who spoke negatively about you. Everyone describes you as a selfless, steadfast friend. I wish I knew you from the outside looking in. What it would have been like to know you before the darkness consumed you? What was it like to be your friend, to talk and laugh with you? What was it like to be a medical colleague of yours? Or a patient? I wish you were here to tell me about those things.

You were a remarkable person, and I will ensure that nobody ever forgets the kind, gentle and caring man that taught me everything I know. It was the most incredible honour of my life to call you my dad, and I will continue to do so. We are now halfway there to sharing the title of Dr. _______; I hope you are as proud of that as I am.

I remember you. I will never forget you. And I will continue honour you by speaking unapologetically and candidly about the extraordinarily real darkness that took you from me and has taken so many others.

I will be here, appreciating all of the pain that also allows me to fully appreciate joy. I will be here, openly talking about you, whether people like it or not. I will be here, making the best of my broken heart. I will be here, caring for my patients and being the best doctor, I can be. I will be here, doing my best, just like I know you would have wanted.

I am still determining what the future holds - but like the wise man once said, we will see.

I remember, love, and miss you with all of my heart Dad x