Submission 213

To my Dad

It has been one year, two months, and 25 days since you left us. There hasn't been a single one of those where I haven't thought about you, about why you did this, about what I could have done to change things.

Of course the answer is I couldn't. You were suffering and you had made up your mind, that much was clear. I almost feel selfish in wishing you didn't do what you did, because for you, it was what you wanted.

But it wasn't what I wanted. Or anyone else who loves you. We are united in our grief and our guilt. We will always be left wondering if we were not enough, or we somehow failed you in your last days. We will always be searching for the 'why'.

I know you didn't think you would be, but you were an amazing father. It took us a while to get there but we did, and you were kind, gentle, generous, and so loving. I always knew you were proud of me, even when you didn't say it. My aunt told me that during your last visit with her, you told her how proud you were of everything I had achieved in my life. I really hope I continue to make you proud.

Thank you for everything, Dad. I will love and miss you for eternity.