Submission 40

Sister,

So hear goes…… i’m not sure i’ve ever put it down on paper but i think it may be quite therapeutic. I’ve gone over what happened in my head so many time and spoken it aloud but always feel as though i’m either burdening somebody who is hurting as much as i am or somebody who quite frankly cannot relate and is not really interested in the details. I lost my sister to suicide in October 2018. She was an ODP (similar to a theatre nurse) in a private hospital. On the 5th October 1 day before we were all due to go in holiday to Sardinia she went to her place of work in the early hours, cannulated herself and injected a vast amount of anaesthetic. Her work colleagues found her when they arrived to start their shift on the operating floor of the theatre. I’ve spent so long trying to piece together all the details of exactly what happened that night/morning to build a clear picture but i’m still left with the same nagging questions. I knew she was suffering with ill mental health and there were a few dramas through out the weeks leading up to her suicide that may have triggered the decision but i still can’t understand how life can be so bad that you would rather go to the unknown? Leave behind a family who love you? Did she know how much we loved her? Leave behind an 11 year old child? I had lots of support at the time from family and friends. I cant tell you how many times i heard “i know what your going through, my x,y,z died” but you feel so lonely because how can you understand unless you have list somebody to suicide. How can you know what the hurt, sadness, anger, regret, guilt feels like when there are puzzle pieces of the death missing? To anybody reading this the one thing i have learnt over the past 4 years is you have a choice to live your life to the fullest, live your life for your lost one who cannot any longer. I spent nights and nights going over conversations, messages scrutinising what i could have done or shouldn’t have said. But i’ve learnt that no amount of regret or guilt will every bring my beautiful sister back. The pain doesn’t ever go away but you learn to live with it and celebrate the good times.