Understanding the different ways we grieve

How to cope with the death of a loved one?

Whilst grieving is a natural response to loss it is helpful to know that we cope with these intense and uncomfortable emotions in different ways. Exploring this further by looking at what therapists believe to be the healthiest ways to cope with feelings prepares us to understand what to expect and how to support others that are bereaved. In this article we explain grief behaviour as described by Stroebe and Shut in their Dual Process Model published in 1999. 

For a long-time it was believed that when we are bereaved, facing our emotions was important and necessary to adjust after the loss. This theory was called the ‘grief work hypothesis’ and it described expressing sadness by thoughts, feelings or actions that make us focus on our grief and pain. After this work we move on by building new memories, experiences and relationships that help us to adapt to life after loss. 

Why does everyone deal with grief differently?

Stroebe and Shut did not agree that this process of working through grief applied to everyone’s grief experience because everyone deals with grief differently. Importantly they identified that there was not much scientific evidence that confronting grief helped to adjust well to life after loss. In 1999 they reported their idea that was called the Dual Process of Coping with Bereavement, which is now regarded as a better picture of what we experience when we are bereaved. It helps us to see how the process is individual. They describe the two ways in which we react after a bereavement; they call these loss behaviours and restorative behaviours. As we grieve our behaviour naturally moves between these two types. 

What is loss-oriented behaviour?

Loss behaviours are the sorts of things that we do when we feel emotions of loss such as crying, remembering events related to the loss or thinking about how we miss someone. Early on after a bereavement these feelings can be very negative and difficult. After some time has passed we may experience loss behaviours such as fondly remembering someone and feeling happy when thinking about them. Expressing feelings of loss are more common in women and in certain cultures. If we go back to the older idea of ‘grief work hypothesis’ we can see that therapists suggested that all people express their emotions in this sort of way. This is because most of the studies on grief have been performed on women in western cultures, which means they did not represent the grief behaviour of everyone. 

What is restoration-oriented behaviour?

Men are more likely to have restorative behaviours as a way of coping with their grief, rather than talking or thinking about their emotions. Restorative behaviours are the more practical tasks that we get on with after a bereavement. These can be activities such as cooking, taking care of children or working. Some of these may be taking on roles that used to belong to the person that died. We may find these behaviours to be isolating and stressful but they can also provide a break away from focusing on the painful emotions of grief. 

What is oscillation?

Stroebe and Shut realised that even though some of us will spend more time in the loss state and others in the restorative state, what we all do is move between both sets of behaviours. We can go from watching television and being distracted by a funny programme, which is restorative behaviour, and then an advert reminds us of a memory of our loved one and we feel like crying for a while, this is loss behaviour. It is helpful to know that moving between both states is common and to be expected. It allows us to find a balance between facing loss and living our lives after loss. 

How can we tell when grief turns into depression?

Most helpfully The Dual Process Model helps us, and therapists, to recognise when we or someone we are trying to support in grief is not coping. If we are stuck in loss behaviour for too long we may neglect taking care of ourselves. If we are only focused on restorative behaviours then we have not taken the time to process the emotions of our grief. Neither of these situations point to adjustment after loss and may lead to health problems. 

How long does grief last? 

Finally, it is important to add that the grief model does not come with a timescale. Restorative behaviours may take years to put into place and likewise loss behaviours may never be completely gone. Life events, memories or unresolved emotions can arise at any point bringing back painful and difficult feelings. It is helpful to know that this is normal, and it is ok to need support at any time. 

Written by Chenali Senanayake