Losing my Dad - Lizzie’s Lived Experience

Losing my Dad has been the hardest thing I have ever been through. Not a day goes by without me thinking about him, longing for him and wishing he was here. All I know is that he must have really been suffering to leave us behind, as the world is not a better place without him in it. I need him. Grieving for someone lost to suicide is hard to explain unless you have been through it, especially losing a parent. The pain you feel in your core is so deep knowing you couldn’t help them and you have to live without them. I am now just trying to make my Dad proud in everything I do. It was hard to find the words to explain or help anyone, so I wrote some thoughts and my experience in a poem.

Life After My Dad

I wanted to reach out to Suicide&Co

to try and explain what it’s like,

To lose a family member to depression,

and deal with the everlasting pain.

I’ve learnt that every story is different,

yet we all share something in common.

We’ve all lost a loved one in our lives,

and things will never be the same.

So let me take you back to two thousand and thirteen,

I was twenty years old having fun,

Until the 8th February, the day now etched in my heart,

when my whole body went into shock.

It’s hard to explain what that exact moment is like,

I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.

But if you’ve lost a loved one I’m sure you felt the same,

that you feel that your whole world has stopped.

I don’t remember much about that year,

the days that followed were a blur,

However I went on to graduate from university

and finally moved back home.

I started my dream job and turned twenty one,

and tried to get through each day.

But whatever I did, however hard I tried,

I constantly felt numb.

In the years that followed

I ran marathons in memory of Dad,

Fundraising to make people aware.

People suffering with mental health need our help,

We have to show them they are not a burden

and there’s people out there that care.

As the years go by so do the milestones - Father's Day, birthdays and Christmas.

They say time is a healer but don’t listen to them,

every anniversary is still hard to get through.

It’s been twelve years since my Dad

and although my grief feels lighter,

I’ll forever miss him, I’ll forever love him,

there was still so much we wanted to do.

Grieving someone lost to mental health is exhausting, endless and painful.

You constantly think about the what if’s and why

and think back to your last time you saw them.

One day you’re fine and you smile about their existence,

The next, out of the blue you shed a tear.

People assume you have moved on and are strong,

When you’re only hoping they’re proud of who you’ve become.