Emma’s thoughts on talking about suicide-related grief

Emma, our co-founder, shares her thoughts on talking about suicide-related grief.

Talking around trauma eloquently

The use of language is a powerful tool, it allows us to change our internal thoughts into words before they enter the external world.

But what do we do when socially and culturally we don’t really have the right set of words for a situation? I question why we aren’t fluent in the language of pain, death and loss when it is such an indefinite reality of our existence.

It's common practice to utter “I am so sorry” or “I don’t know what to say” when you hear that someone has lost a loved one. This passive language makes perfect sense as there is no action to be taken, unlike a cut on a knee which can be bandaged up, or a smashed window that can be repaired. The person who is receiving the news of loss can’t reverse our pain or grief.

A message to those of us who have lost someone to suicide

Try not to be mad with the colleague or friend who doesn’t know how to react, they’re quite often doing their best and let’s face it – we still struggle to know how to deliver the news.

Choose a delivery that you’re comfortable with, I use “died from suicide”.

Set your boundaries. As with any grief, it is yours and your choice when you want to disclose this personal part of your story.

A message to wider society

Don’t ask us for details. Suicide bereavement is traumatic and revisiting the action of suicide can be triggering and personal.

Don’t judge by assuming “they must have been very unhappy, or money problems perhaps?”. Now is the perfect time to practice judgment-free listening. We wouldn’t verbally declare that someone’s loved one had died of a heart attack because they had a poor diet, so let’s not make presumptions about someone’s mental health either.

The last piece of advice is this: please don’t feel like now is the right time to share your views and opinions on suicide. “I think it’s so selfish”, there are already a multitude of emotions and thoughts attached to suicide loss without external opinions. Don’t add to the noise.

The key thing to remember is that opening a conversation around suicide bereavement is important and a huge part of conversing is active listening. Whichever side of the conversation you are on, be brave enough to talk about bereavement without shame or awkwardness and in time we can shape a new language around suicide loss. I’m unsure there is a definitive, eloquent way to talk about trauma but talking about it is a step in the right direction. Open the conversation.

Have more tips on how you can talk about grief? Send them to us by contacting emma@suicideandco.org