Why can’t I cry?! Olivia’s Lived Experience

I will never forget that phone call on the 22nd of August 2021, the phone call telling me that I needed to get to my dad‘s as soon as possible, I could hear the fear, I could hear the worry and I could hear the sadness in the phone call I received and I just knew, I knew something had happened to my dad but I just never thought that it would’ve been this.

I remember going into autopilot, chucking some shoes on, grabbing my keys, getting in my car and driving straight there, it’s usually around a 10 minute drive max but the drive seemed like it took forever, I remember getting stopped at every single traffic light and I remember being stopped at the train lines wanting the train to go by as fast as possible so I could just get to my dad’s. I remember pulling up to my dad‘s house and it being the hive of activity, I remember the police car sat there and it just hit me, I knew that something had happened, I remember getting out of my car and walking towards my dad’s house and seeing my sister curled up on the floor and my brother punching the floor and I turned the corner to walk onto their driveway and I just knew by how everyone was behaving, I let out the loudest wail that I didn’t think would even be possible to come from me and I just wept. I cried, I cried and I cried.

A couple of hours had passed whilst I was with my family trying to process what had just happened. The private ambulance had arrived and taken my dad away and we were all just sitting there in silence. I knew I had some phone calls to make and I knew I had to speak to some of my closest friends and tell them what happened and I also had to sort work out for the next day so I rang my boss who has been a big part of my life and a good friend for the past 16 years who also knew my dad and I told her what happened and cried down the phone and struggled to breathe, trying to inhale and exhale whilst processing what had just happened. I then called two of my best friends and told them what had happened and again I sobbed. When I finished those phone calls I knew I needed to get to my best friend's house as I knew at that time, that’s where I needed to be. That was my safe place.

I went to see my Mum first of all and I again sobbed and then I made my way to my best friends house, I remember walking through her door and just sobbing, I remember her wrapping her arms around me and crying with me and then I remember her partner coming over and just holding us both up whilst we sobbed together.

That evening was a blur. I spoke to some friends and I told them what had happened, they all came to my friends house, they all rallied around and they all supported me. The next few days were also a blur, people came and went, people bought me food, people comforted me, I couldn’t really tell you who was there at what time I just knew I had the most amazing support and I was very lucky.

Although those days were hazy and filled with a lot of moments that I just don’t recall or remember, what I do remember and which has stuck out vividly and something that I have struggled with every day since the day we lost Dad is that there were no tears after that first initial day. I just couldn’t cry, I tried and I tried, I had a few tears but for some reason I couldn’t cry anymore and that was really difficult for me to process. I would look around and everyone around me were sad, my friends were sad for me, my friends were sad because they knew my dad so they were grieving for him and they were trying to support me but I couldn’t cry. One day really sticks out in my memory and that’s when a friend came to visit me with her mum, I walked into the door and they both cried and I remember just being sat there staring at them and wondering why they are crying and I can’t even shed a small tear and then came the guilt and then came the questions that I kept asking myself.

Why am I not crying? Why are the tears not coming? Am I not sad? Did I not love my dad? Why have I got no emotion? What is wrong with me? Do I not have a heart? What are people going to think of me?

I became very, very angry and very frustrated with myself. It was a really hard thing for me to deal with because everybody thinks that the natural reaction to somebody being sad is crying and if they aren’t crying, are they even sad?

Of course I was sad, I was absolutely devastated I’ve not only lost my dad, I’d lost my dad to suicide, the most wonderful man in my life who I loved so much was gone….forever.

Losing a loved one to suicide is something I have never experienced firsthand before and all I can say is, it’s the most traumatic thing I have ever experienced and that the trauma that comes with losing a loved one to suicide is just immeasurable. I was angry. I was sad. I was frustrated. I was annoyed.

I was completely devastated that my Dad was gone and none of us saw it coming so why was I feeling all of these emotions but the tears were not coming. I spent hours and days researching why I felt like this. I went online and typed in Google - why can I not cry! I visited every single support hub, I tried to find podcasts, songs, anything that I can relate to slightly and something that told me that I was okay and that I wasn’t a cold-hearted bitch. 

There wasn’t a lot of information out there. There was a little bit about the way different people process different things but there wasn’t the information that I needed. There wasn’t the clarification I needed saying that how I was feeling was okay and that everything I was feeling was okay and that although I wasn’t crying, I was sad.  

I have had tears, I had a few tears at the funeral, I have a random few days where I cry for a little bit but they’re not full on tears and that’s all I want, I want the tears to start and for them to not stop as I feel that will be the release I need and I will feel ‘normal’ again. I always feel like a good cry is a good release so why can I not cry? 

Because I can’t cry I have somehow worked out a way to deal with how I am feeling in other ways. I journal everything, I write everything down not for anybody else to see but for me. I talk to people and I tell them how I am feeling, I have had to become very good at labelling emotions.

I have finally found peace that the tears may not ever come, and that’s okay, and I want other people to know if they are feeling like me that it is okay. You don’t need tears to prove that you are sad, the people who care about you will know and will understand how you are feeling even if you aren’t crying and the people who don’t understand, don’t matter.

Grief is extremely complex. Grief related to a loss through suicide is extremely complex and extremely traumatic. Allow yourself to grieve exactly as it comes to you, no pressures, take each day as it comes and if you need to take each day by the second then of course that’s fine and if you don’t cry, trust me, it’s okay, it’s your brain's way of dealing with your grief and your trauma, it’s okay, you are okay. You are normal.

Written by Olivia Spry.