Submission 08

Dear Kian,

It’s been 1 year, and 7 months and it hasn’t gotten any easier without you here. You’re on my mind every hour of every day, I often wonder what I would say to you, and today 04/04/2022 this is how I feel.

I wish I had been more open about my own mental health struggles as I adapted to being put on antidepressants, I wish I had spoken out to family and friends because maybe you would have known you weren’t alone and that if I had known that you were struggling before it was too late, I could have helped you out, we could have got through it together.

Nothing could have prepared me from the phone call from my brother, telling me to avoid Facebook as there’s photographs of someone who has killed themselves and the rumours were that it was you. My mum went to your grans as the police asked her to confirm a photograph of you. Within 10 minutes of the first phone call my brother called back to tell me that it was you. My little cousin, Kian, only 17 years old I can’t imagine what was going through your head as you headed to that park that night and I wish I was given some sign or something to go on my usual late night drive as I would have seen you it haunts me every day that you were preparing to take your own life just minutes away from my home where I was peacefully sleeping. I feel so selfish, why? Why you? Would you have wanted help? Was it your first time? All questions I will never know the answer to.

I hope and pray everyday that you are now at peace I hope you are reunited with our loved ones, and I hope you can guide me through this crazy life from above until we can meet again.

Love and miss you always

Erin x