Submission 104
Dear Papa,
It’s been 68 days since you left. The days keep ticking over, the number increasing at unrelenting speed, and yet, I am stuck in that moment with the words spoken “we’ve lost Dad.” The days are so long, and the weeks so short. Our lives have been utterly shattered.
I know that you would never have done anything intentionally to hurt us, and perhaps you thought you were doing us a favour. I can tell you firmly, on this matter, you could not have been more wrong. Without you, life is less colourful, less stable or sure - everything has lost its sheen.
I’m really not sure how we’re supposed to navigate this. You were the stalwart and the foundation of our family, the one we all looked to for advice and sound counsel. I feel like the fabric of my life has completely unravelled, and all that’s left is tatters of something once beautiful. Most of the time, I just don’t have the words to explain how I am feeling. I am bewildered, confused, empty, finding this reality completely surreal.
I’m so overwhelmingly sad, Papa, at the fact that you didn’t think there was hope. That in your final moments, you were alone, without hope. There was so much hope, Dad, and so much to live for. I’m so sad you’ll never be a Grandad, or walk me down the aisle. Those are two things I can’t quite get over, and the loss of that shared experience hurts so much.
We went on that holiday, by the way, and we saw those gorillas for you. I think you would have been proud of us that we went ahead with it - but I cried the whole way through. You would have loved it, especially the two little babies. They were funny, curious, clumsy. It was everything you hoped for, everything except for the giant void where you should have been, holding my hand.
To say that we miss you doesn’t do justification to the size of the loss just as saying we love you just doesn’t do justification to all you were to us: a larger than life character who made friends wherever he went, a gentle and sensitive soul who lived for his family. But, how we miss you. How we love you. Forever. I’ll never get over this.
I’ll look for you in the stars all the days of my life.
Till we meet again, in the place where there is joy and singing.
Always, your baby-two-shoes.